# Bethan O'Riordan - Counselling, Psychotherapy & Parenting Support

> Helping people to create change


## Posts

- [Screen time for children: cyber safety, meltdowns and screen addictions](https://bethanoriordan.com/screen-time-children/): Welcome to this final part of my Screen Safety Blog series. The impact of screen time for children is becoming more complicated and I want to share simple tips and strategies to help your child keep emotionally and developmentally safe alongside technology. As a psychotherapist, I’m seeing an increasing amount of complications from screen use in children and teens and families are reporting arguments, tension and frustration around managing screens. This blog will help you to move past those screen arguments and help to make screen time for children balanced in your family and help you lead your child with […]
- [Keeping children safe online](https://bethanoriordan.com/online-safety-children/): In this second part in the Screen Safety Blog Series (read part 1 here), I’m going to share my experience helping families make screen time positive and avoid arguments, meltdowns and punishment. In my psychotherapy practice, I’ve seen a steep increase in children and teens presenting with complex issues arising from screen use. These vary from anger, poor self esteem, poor concentration to low motivation and self-harm. To help you navigate any screen use problems in your family and establish good screen boundaries that work, this blog will cover: Also remember that this blog series is supported by a series […]
- [Screen Time Safety Tips for Children](https://bethanoriordan.com/screen-time-safety-tips-for-children/): I want you to parent with ease and confidence and not let screens get in the way of that.  Alongside my eighteen years working with children, teens, adults and families I am also a Mum of three…so I really do understand the screen struggles both personally and professionally!  In the last few years, I’ve seen a significant increase in child and teen problems related to screen use and I want to help parents know how to help children manage screen time and make it positive in their lives. This blog will focus on my professional experience and share strategies from […]
- [Coping with separation and divorce](https://bethanoriordan.com/separation-and-divorce/): In my eighteen years supporting families, I’ve worked closely with families to make separation as simple as possible and help make the welfare of the children a priority.  Of course, separation and divorce often isn’t simple and is emotionally and logistically draining.  Whether your contemplating leaving a marriage with children or you’re unmarried and separating, these tips for splitting up when you’ve children will help you to cope with separation and divorce for all involved. Remember, it is possible to have a successful divorce while keeping the children supported throughout.  The most important part of separation is to reduce the […]
- [I'm feeling smothered by my toddler](https://bethanoriordan.com/feeling-smothered/): I hear this a lot! You’re not alone. Sometimes we can think too much about avoiding being the parent we had, and too little about being the parent we want to be. Dodging the parenting styles we received growing up can often result in over-compensation and a scrambled approach where there isn’t a clear separation between parent and child. Remember, it isn’t selfish to establish that separation either. It’s important for your child’s personal development to be independent, even from a young age. Children are innately empathic and will pick up on how you feel, including your anxieties and insecurities, […]
- [How to help a child who hates losing](https://bethanoriordan.com/how-to-help-a-child-who-hates-losing/): We often talk about this in the Calm Parenting Community and I think the question “how can I help my child who hates losing” is such an important one because it’s really setting up their sense of identity and mental health. To preface my answer, I want to share a little of my experience of playing with one of my children when they were younger. I’ll be honest; when they lost at a game it totally overwhelmed me. Their screaming, crying, throwing, anger and the time it took to come down embarrassed me, overwhelmed me and brought out the worst […]
- [Feeling frazzled? Doesn't have to stop you being a gentle, respectful parent.](https://bethanoriordan.com/mindful-parenting-2/): It can be difficult to find time to ground yourself, especially if you don’t know what the practice really looks like for you and what you hope to gain from it. Once you know this, it’s easier to turn a goal into a plan. You’ll find yourself utilising those pockets of time for yourself more wisely, rather than being so frustrated that you miss those opportunities altogether. Grounding is all about creating an alternative to stress and overwhelm. Being a parent is so busy and there’s so much to do that parents often report feeling frazzled and overwhelmed at point […]
- [I’ve no time for me - how can I create some?](https://bethanoriordan.com/me-time/): Carving time out in your busy schedule for yourself is an important part of being a parent. Here’s how you make the most of those hidden pockets of time in your day. When I read this question, it took me back to my early motherhood days when I couldn’t consistently guarantee I’d cleaned my teeth, yet the kids were eating the most beautiful organic home-cooked foods. It takes time to find your way and create time for yourself. As parents, we must learn that delicate balance between our children’s needs and our own. So, let’s get practical. Firstly, let’s be […]
- [How can I make self-care work for me?](https://bethanoriordan.com/self-care/): Self-care is not a mythical creature, but as a parent, it can often feel like it. If you’re finding it challenging to make time for acts of self-care you need to clarify your motivation for taking care of yourself. We need to re-frame self-care. Self-care is a mix of many things, but busy parents need to work out what they’re hoping for – this will help to de-bunk the myth part of it. Do you want to connect with yourself or with friends? Do you wish to regulate your emotions? Do you need to unwind or chill out? Do you […]
- [How can I share the emotional load with my partner?](https://bethanoriordan.com/emotional-load/): There’s almost always one parent who thinks of or takes care of more household and parenting matters than the other. Here’s how you can learn to share the challenges and improve your parenting relationship. Sharing parenting responsibilities involves three things – good communication, all parties not taking things personally and letting go of control. These principles apply whether you’re separated or still in a relationship with the other parent. I am not sure where you’re feeling stuck, but managing children’s lives involves creating a new dialogue and way of relating. The tricky thing about parenting is that we all fall […]
- [I don’t want my child to pick up on my anxiety](https://bethanoriordan.com/parental-anxiety/): Children are more observant and empathic than we often give them credit for. Your anxieties are their anxieties. Care for yourself to care for them. Every parent has a part of their emotional world that they don’t want their children to see, and I am delighted that you know that yours is your anxiety. Every parent will impact their child in an unhelpful way.  While this is part of life, all parents have this excellent opportunity to reduce this impact.   Awareness is step one and an essential part of the change. So let’s take this awareness a step further – […]
- [How to help my mental health when I am in the thick of it](https://bethanoriordan.com/parental-mental-health/): Taking care of ourselves isn’t selfish; it’s an important part of being a great parent. Protecting our own mental health is imperative to take good care of our children and their wellbeing Thanks for sharing what’s going on for you. The maternal mind can be complex and challenging to understand when experiencing it. I am not sure if you’ve experienced this level of darkness before, but if you have, what did you do then that helped? And can you incorporate any of those things now? Is it a time to visit your GP and take medication, or will talking therapy […]
- [A phone opens a world of influences besides your own for your pre-teen – here’s how to manage them](https://bethanoriordan.com/pre-teen/): There are many courses out there to help parents upskill and know how to help make being online safe for their children. However, it is essential that after you’ve learned about blocking sites/what you want your child to access, you have a conversation with them about how you will implement these rules. Make sure the phone rules are a collaborative process between you and your child. By the pre-teen years, your child will have developed a good sense of who they are and what’s right/wrong, so include them in creating a plan for the phone to be something that benefits […]
- [I find my mother-in-law overbearing. What can I do?](https://bethanoriordan.com/motherinlaw/): You don’t need to parent the way your mother-in-law expects in order to be a great mum. Doesn’t everyone have an opinion on how someone ‘should’ parent? I remember when I had my third baby, we told very few people for all the reasons you can imagine! I needed time to figure out what being a mum of three meant, how it would look logistically and how I would be in myself. And, because of the changing nature of life, I am still working some of it out almost a decade on. Can your partner hear your viewpoint about your […]
- [How to boost a child's confidence](https://bethanoriordan.com/confidence/): There’s a few simple steps that you can take to increase your child’s confidence, so let’s break it down into three simple areas to support them.  But before we do that, let’s take a moment to understand what lacking in confidence really is.   I meet many parents who are worried about a part of their children’s lives – I am a Mum of three so I get this.  What’s important is that we manage to keep this worry in proportion.  So keep note of whether the lack of confidence is across your child’s life, or certain parts of their day.  […]
- [How to avoid an emotionally draining Christmas](https://bethanoriordan.com/surviving-christmas/): The festive period is a time when families come together, or not come together, which means that we are in relationships in a way that can be difficult.  Differences can be highlighted, old inner child wounds re-ignited and this can make Christmas feel like hard work both emotionally and logistically. Here’s a few tips from a therapeutic perspective to help you create a Christmas that works for you. 1. Set your intention Who is important to you this Christmas?  Is it yourself and your children? Your siblings, parents, cousins, friends, grand parents, aunts and uncles? And if you’re thinking all […]
- [How can I help my child regulate their emotions when I’m not around?](https://bethanoriordan.com/regulating-emotions/): This is probably ( read definitely) one of my favourite parenting questions to answer. Children cannot regulate their emotions. They do not have the capacity, brain development or life experience to be able to regulate what they feel and think. However, all is not lost. There’s plenty that parents can do to help their children. Begin by rephrasing what you’re querying. It’s not about children gaining skills to regulate their emotions; it’s about creating the inner foundations of a child’s mental health so that their emotions don’t overwhelm them completely when they are older. Another popular question I get asked […]
- [How can I embrace mindfulness and find self-awareness as a parent?](https://bethanoriordan.com/mindful-parenting/): The ability to hold ourselves at arm’s length and reflect on who we are is everything in parenting. I often say that parenting isn’t about children; it’s about parents and how they respond, rather than react, to their children’s developing emotions. Being aware of what you bring to the gig is essential. Begin by narrowing down what you’d like to be mindful of. This means things to which you would like to bring awareness. The most important part of this is to consider what your intention is. We could mindfully have sex and mindfully break into a car, so being […]
- [How can I parent my teen when they have no respect for me or anything I say?](https://bethanoriordan.com/teenager/): The first word that comes to mind is respect, though not in the direction you may suspect. You must show your teenager respect. It’s so easy to get into a ding dong with pre-teens (and teens) and create rifts in relationships that, in my therapeutic experience, only gets deeper. I receive regular phone calls from exhausted parents asking me to work with their tween/teenager. They often go a bit like this: “They show me no respect and make me feel like I can’t say or do anything right. They are making me feel bad about myself.” It’s so important to […]
- [To be the parent you want to be it is possible to overcome childhood trauma, but it’s a path best not walked alone](https://bethanoriordan.com/childhood-trauma/): Q: How can I unlearn the ways of my upbringing and acknowledge my childhood trauma? I want to assure you that it is possible to unlearn the ways of your upbringing. However, it requires you to acknowledge your childhood trauma with a psychotherapist. I see the word trauma frequently used as a marketing buzzword — self-study trauma courses, etc. It is hazardous to your mental and emotional wellbeing to work through childhood wounds and inner trauma alone. This work requires a safe and therapeutic space. I’d ask you in what ways do you think your trauma is being brought up […]
- [How do I parent my teen when they have no respect for what I say?](https://bethanoriordan.com/parenting-teen/): The first word that comes to mind is respect, though not in the direction you may suspect. You must show your teenager respect. It’s so easy to get into a ding dong with pre-teens (and teens) and create rifts in relationships that, in my therapeutic experience, only gets deeper. I receive regular phone calls from exhausted parents asking me to work with their tween/teenager. They often go a bit like this: “They show me no respect and make me feel like I can’t say or do anything right. They are making me feel bad about myself.” It’s so important to […]
- [Lead your child by example - How to ease the guilt of losing your cool in two easy steps](https://bethanoriordan.com/managing-guilt/): Isn’t parenting guilt a big, heavy dark emotion? Did you know that guilt is our in-built mechanism for doing no harm? It’s like a reflex that comes on board without you ever having invited it to show up. What I am saying is that guilt isn’t your fault. Yes, it is letting you know that you’d try to do something different next time. Still, the vital thing to note about guilt is that it can quickly grow legs and become much more entrenched into a parent’s sense of who they are and how they parent if it goes unchecked. How […]
- [6 things stopping you setting effective boundaries with your children and how to overcome them](https://bethanoriordan.com/boundaries/): Each week I answer one of your parenting questions. This week I answer “how can I set boundaries that work?”, I hope the response helps you to be the parent you’d like to be. When I meet with parents, there are many reasons they find boundaries challenging to stick with. Let’s explore them here and see which ones resonate with you: It is much easier to say no to that thing when you’re not tired. When I first became a mum, I remember thinking to myself, “why is it that the right thing to do is always the hardest?” and […]
- [Reset your unrealistic parenting expectations](https://bethanoriordan.com/parenting-expectations/): Each week I answer one of your parenting and personal development questions. This week I answer “How can I set realistic expectations? I get lost and frustrated when unrealistic expectations aren’t met.” I hope you find the response helpful. The word expectations is so layered, isn’t it? There are so many expectations for parents and children, which come from everywhere and everyone, including society, religion, family, friends and, of course, ourselves. Modern life has many benefits, but I often think our ability to have too much information is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, a parent can be confused […]
- [I am so self critical, what can I do?](https://bethanoriordan.com/selfcriticalthoughts/): No one will ever be as hard on ourselves as ourselves.  It’s bonkers when you think about it!  It’s totally  counterproductive to our happiness and ability to thrive. Having self critical thoughts is not a weakness as it is part of our inner defense and protective system. Self-criticism is borne from two things: Everyone learns who they are and how to be in life based on their genetics and the environment they grew up in. This is the piece that people come to therapy to work through and re-structure. They aim to be  thinking (and believing), their own thoughts about […]
- [Help - I feel like a terrible mum](https://bethanoriordan.com/terriblemum/): I am sorry that this is your experience of being a Mum.  I’d love to know more about why you think this. You might be able to understand this better yourself by asking yourself these questions.  I know that answering these won’t feel great, but in order to shift what doesn’t feel good, we have to understand it. My guess is that there’s a whole narrative in your mind about you not being good enough.  Unfortunately we are dealt with a predisposition to parenting in a certain way based on our unwittingly inherited parenting default mode and perhaps this doesn’t […]
- [How can I help my child who is self-harming?](https://bethanoriordan.com/selfharm/): I know from meeting parents that having a child who is self-harming or suicidal is the most frightening part of parenting any parent will ever face. I want readers to know that change is possible for you, the child and your relationship. No parent can ever say that their child won’t self-harm or suffer with suicidal thoughts as we are all predispositioned to dark thoughts in our minds. It is essential that you and your child get help. Self-harm takes many forms, some more obvious and some more hidden. I’d like to start by exploring this so that all parents […]
- [I'm so triggered by other Mums - help!](https://bethanoriordan.com/triggers/): Being triggered is a difficult feeling.  It’s an out of control sensation that has a domino effect of causing; over-thinking, shame, guilt, critical thinking… I could go on.  Being triggered by other parents is  normal. I’m imagining Motherland (BBC and Netflix) and chuckling at the accuracy of the portrayal of the characters.  Triggers come from comparison and can leave parents asking themselves, “am I doing the right thing?”.  Parents do like to talk about their children’s achievement, after school activities, school grades, amount of friends, basically anything really that helps people gauge how they are doing. People like to create […]
- [How can I help my child while we wait for a CAMHS Assessment?](https://bethanoriordan.com/camhs/): I’m seeing a significant increase in parents waiting for a CAMHS assessment for their child.  My opinion is that lock downs have been hard for many families and now the toll is beginning to show.  The wait for the CAMHS appointment can be long, especially if your child’s behaviours and emotions are getting progressively worse.  What I am seeing is that the lockdowns have shone a light on a child’s inner world; isolation is the number one indicator for mental health.  As humans we are a social species and need to be in a tribe to survive. When this connection […]
- [How can I help my child be confident?](https://bethanoriordan.com/raisingconfidentchildren/): The place to start for answering this reader’s question is to explore what confidence is.  Confidence comes from celebrating the wins with your child, but it really blossoms when you show your child understanding and acceptance when things are hard for your child. Being confident doesn’t mean that you, or your child, doesn’t have big emotions.  Being confident doesn’t mean you power your way through life.  We all have emotions as part of our response to new situations.  Feeling and expressing these doesn’t mean that anyone isn’t confident. What I am thinking about are situations where children are shy, overwhelmed, […]
- [How can I stay calm when my toddler expresses feelings I was never allowed to express as a child?](https://bethanoriordan.com/bigemotions/): Oh what a great question! We can get into the nitty gritty of this quite easily and help you create practical steps to help your parenting be easier. All parents want to know how to support their children’s emotional development, so why is it so hard? What’s happening to you is that your body and brain are releasing unconscious memories of being that age and how you were responded to. This is why your emotions can seem so powerful and can feel a bit like an out of body experience. Our brain retains all of our life experiences. Luckily we […]
- [Can you help me learn ways for myself and husband to parent?  He was severely abused as a child](https://bethanoriordan.com/this-weeks-ask-bethan-can-you-help-me-learn-ways-for-myself-and-husband-to-parent-he-was-severely-abused-as-a-child/): I’ve been wondering about the best way to respond to your question as the answer isn’t as clear cut as I’d like it to be. The key to parenting is creating consistent and predictable relationships with everyone in your family. This is tricky, but not impossible if your parenting template and experience of childhood wasn’t like this. I’m wondering if your husband is in therapy as part of his healing? It’s impossible to heal our emotions and adverse life experiences alone. Having someone to explore life with is essential in creating a safe place to explore what we find hard. […]
- [How can I stop being an anxious parent?](https://bethanoriordan.com/overcomeanxiety/): I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with anxiety.  I remember when I first became a Mum I suffered enormously with anxious feelings and thoughts in a way that I never had done before. Becoming a parent opens the mind up to a whole new level of potential worry and guilt. It can overwhelm you in a way that you’ve never experienced before. Once that Mamma Bear part of the brain has been turned on it needs to be tamed a little so that it doesn’t run the show.  The good news is that this is possible and you […]
- [Understanding authoritarian parenting:  navigating the fine line between discipline and control ](https://bethanoriordan.com/parenting-styles/): What is an authoritarian partner and parent? In my experience as a psychotherapist, having an authoritarian partner is a significant strain within the family. When couples initially meet, it’s usually because they share similar values and ethos.  Whether it’s spending money, how they enjoy their time together and life goals there is usually a middle ground with a little bit of leeway either side, but when children add to the mix things change.  There are no set rules on how to parent, but when I meet couples whose parenting styles differ, one or both parties have very fixed ideas on […]
- [How do I help my teenager with hormones?](https://bethanoriordan.com/teenagehormones/): I think we all remember being a teenager and how difficult it was. There’s so much that goes on inside the teenage brain and body that it’s complicated and confusing for them. The biggest part of teenage hormones for parents is to have an understanding of how confusing it is for the teenger and how much they have on their plate. Hormones are evolution’s way of helping us create the mental and physical capacity to become an adult but  it can feel like a long road for teenagers. The teenage years are a great time for parents to support their […]
- [I want a calmer house with fewer tantrums!](https://bethanoriordan.com/tantrums/): A calmer house is the holy grail of parenting!  While it sounds lovely, it’s also important to be realistic. Children have developing brains so have not got the ability to be calm when upset and parents get triggered and respond in ways that fuel the upset. The reader doesn’t say who is having the tantrums so let’s be very real about this and explore both parents and children’s ability to tantrum. The only way children can let people know they are not ok is by having big emotions that come out as tantrums.  Because of this, the first thing we […]
- [My son is scared of me dying](https://bethanoriordan.com/fearofdying/): Children experience many fears and I’m pleased that your child has come to you with this.  I remember when I was six waking up really upset that my Nan was going to die.  She didn’t die for another twenty years, but I remember that fear so vividly. Death is like taxes; both inevitable and painful. However explaining this to a child has to be done delicately and authentically.  Being honest about death is important.  You can explain what death is “when the heart stops beating inside a body,” then put your child’s hand on your heart,feel and count how strong […]
- [How do I figure out how to discipline?](https://bethanoriordan.com/discipliningchildren/): This is a great question because it shows that you’re considering which values work within your family.  Your parenting is hugely influenced by the parenting you received which includes the discipline you received. The first part of this to explore is, what does discipline mean to you and what are the outcomes that you’re hoping to achieve?  Every family I’ve met has different opinions on this so it’s important that parents take time together to work out and answer, “what’s the end goal here?”. Here are three questions to answer:1. Do you want your child to be punished?   2. Do […]
- [How can I be a strong parent?](https://bethanoriordan.com/parentingstrength/): This question reminds me of the teenagers I’ve worked with over the years. The one thing they needed from their parents was to not  crumble when they told them about the difficulties they had in their lives. This doesn’t mean that parents don’t experience an emotional reaction, you aren’t a robot!  What I mean is that when your child is struggling with something you pay attention to what they’re saying and you let them know that you will help them with it. It’s important to let your child know that no matter the problem they have, they can come to […]
- [How can I help my child to sleep?](https://bethanoriordan.com/howtogetchildrentosleep/): Functioning on little or no sleep is incredibly difficult, I remember those days well!  The reader doesn’t say how old their child is, but the same underlying principles apply to sleep for all children.  Children need consistent and predictable relationships with those who care for them so that their emotional development takes place through a lens of emotional safety.  So what does this mean?  Children thrive on structures within a day which allow their lives to be consistent and predictable. This doesn’t mean things have to be the same all the time and I especially don’t mean having strict regimes […]
- [How can I help my anxious 8 year old?](https://bethanoriordan.com/helpinganxiouschildren/): Children and their families have had to deal with so much over the last few years and so many more families are experiencing anxiety. However, the word anxiety is vague.  The first step in helping an anxious child is to stop using the word anxious. Anxiety is a process within the mind and body that leads to over thinking and often creates fear. It’s part of the way our bodies have been designed to let us know that we may not be okay. We want to move towards helping children understand their feelings. Here’s three steps to help with this: […]
- [I find play really hard - how can I be better at it?](https://bethanoriordan.com/howtoplay/): I meet many parents who find playing difficult, so I want you to know that you’re not alone.   We’re constantly exposed to images showing adults totally immersed within a child’s play… but this isn’t the reality for many. We know that children love to play and it is one way in which children develop their emotions and learn about relationships.  No parent enjoys or is good at everything, so it’s great to know your limits.  In my household, Rich, kids Dad, is much better at playing sports than me, but I’m better at helping the children’s emotional development and […]

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- [Module 6:  School refusal](https://bethanoriordan.com/product/module-6-school-refusal/): This module is a mix of what’s needed logistically and emotionally to help your teen get back to their lives. I've spoken with so many parents who are emotionally exhausted trying to get their teen out of bed/out the door to school and stay for a full day. So let's take the worry and fear away with practical strategies to help your child move forwards with their life.
- [Module 5:  Mental health & crisis support](https://bethanoriordan.com/product/module-5-mental-health-crisis-support/): Let’s help your teen through what’s hard with practical strategies and recommendations for helping them.  Of course a huge part of this is helping you with your worries, concerns, regrets and fears.  For your teen's recovery, they need your hope and guidance - so let's support you both through these difficult times.
- [Module 4:  Healthy Technology Habits](https://bethanoriordan.com/product/module-4-healthy-technology-habits/): Making screens and technology work in your family will evolve as your child grows up.  Be on top of what they need from you to make the online world safe for them with the expert information in this module.  The importance of you knowing how to help your child cannot be underestimated and I'll show you what you need to be doing and watching out for to keep your teen's screen time safe and tension free in the family.
- [Module 3:  Helping your teen - anger, anxiety, ADHD, and negative self-talk](https://bethanoriordan.com/product/anger-teen/): Teens face all sorts of difficulties in these precarious years.  The best thing a parent can do is to enhance their skills to help them through.  So if you're facing an angry teen, a diagnosis or behaviour that's hard to manage and you're not sure what to do or say, this module will help take off the pressure and share what you need to be asking and doing to make things easier.
- [Module 2:  Communication that works](https://bethanoriordan.com/product/module-2-communication-that-works/): Do you find things escalate when you're trying to talk with your teen?  You're trying to help them but feeling like you're not getting through to them?  Talking with teens is a fine art of knowing what to say and how to say it.  I know you want to keep your teen onside so communication without them feeling like they're being alienated is essential.    In this module I'll help you communicate in a way that isn't exhausting for you and will help to keep your teen on board.  You'll learn simple strategies that you can easily add to your parenting tool kit that will help you be the parent your child needs.
- [Module 1: Understanding Your Teen](https://bethanoriordan.com/product/module-1-understanding-your-teen-2/): Everyone remembers feeling misunderstood in your teen years, so let's give your teens the understanding they're looking for. This module will help you to demystify your teen, reduce your worry, help give you peace of mind and parent with confidence.     	Teen brain development and what you need to know.  Learn how your child’s developing brain impacts their decision-making, behaviour, and thinking and how you can help them.   	Why teens push boundaries and how to keep things fair, flexible and safe.   	Avoid common mistakes parents make and enjoy a cooperative family life.  


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