by Bethan O'Riordan | Dec 1, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
The first word that comes to mind is respect, though not in the direction you may suspect. You must show your teenager respect. It’s so easy to get into a ding dong with pre-teens (and teens) and create rifts in relationships that, in my therapeutic experience, only gets deeper.
I receive regular phone calls from exhausted parents asking me to work with their tween/teenager. They often go a bit like this: “They show me no respect and make me feel like I can’t say or do anything right. They are making me feel bad about myself.”
It’s so important to remember that your children are under no obligation towards you. They have no obligation to like you, respect you or be kind to you. They will, if you’ve created a safe and trusting relationship with them during the previous 10 or so years of their life.
Parents must take responsibility for how they feel, and until we do, we can’t expect children to do the same. Children learn their emotional responses from their parents, so you must lead with a gentle curiosity about what’s going on if they are letting you know that life is hard. You can’t do this unless you can turn inwards to yourself first.
When I sit with a tween/teenager what I am really showing them is total respect, empathy, time and compassion. You can begin to foster alla of these with your child at any age so that when these difficult years come, the foundation of your relationship is already there. I don’t have all the answers, but I am prepared to sit with them and tune into who they are until we figure out a constructive way forward together.
I’d really recommend all parents read Brainstorm by Dan Siegal, as it explains the brain function and emotional capabilities of this age group clearly. At this teenage stage, the brain is developing at an enormous pac. Taking risks is part of the brain’s development. It’s so important that you create a safe space and foster a respectful relationship through which this can happen.
Remember, your tween/teenager is looking for you to understand them and make their world safe. This happens in so many ways, including with words, tone, behaviours, strong but flexible boundaries and the relationship you have with them.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting and if you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
by Bethan O'Riordan | Nov 7, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
Q: How can I unlearn the ways of my upbringing and acknowledge my childhood trauma?
I want to assure you that it is possible to unlearn the ways of your upbringing. However, it requires you to acknowledge your childhood trauma with a psychotherapist. I see the word trauma frequently used as a marketing buzzword — self-study trauma courses, etc. It is hazardous to your mental and emotional wellbeing to work through childhood wounds and inner trauma alone. This work requires a safe and therapeutic space.
I’d ask you in what ways do you think your trauma is being brought up at the moment? I often speak about impairing. Our body holds unconscious memories of being the age that our child are. Say you were bullied at age eight. Your body will likely be reliving those memories when your child becomes eight.
As for unlearning the ways of your upbringing, I don’t know if we unlearn them or if we integrate them so that they don’t run the show. The most helpful way to overcome this is to bring understanding into our lives. Compassion sometimes gets bad press as being weak, hippy-dippy, airy-fairy and a bit mythical, but it offers us the skills, strength and commitment to work through the pain. These are precisely what we need to successfully overcome any childhood trauma.
I love a website called Compassionate Mind Foundation. It offers loads of resources to help people carve out space for themselves. I think developing the skills and qualities of compassion helps everybody to carve out an inner ally. We want that trauma to be acknowledged, understood, cared for and cared about by a part of you. I suppose that when you say you want to unlearn the ways of your upbringing, it’s the parts that you don’t like about yourself, parts that perhaps you are repeating within your parenting. The most powerful way to overcome this is to bring in a voice that understands, an agent that’s committed to helping you work through this pain, and one who knows that you can be the person you want to be.
I think for acknowledging childhood trauma, there are so many different therapies that can offer you support. There’s yoga, energy work and many more, but no matter your choice, working through your trauma in a therapeutic context is a powerful way of healing what feels broken inside. I often use art therapy with parents. I bring out art materials when meeting clients to help them express those unconscious memories and help make sense of it all.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
by Bethan O'Riordan | Oct 24, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
The first word that comes to mind is respect, though not in the direction you may suspect. You must show your teenager respect. It’s so easy to get into a ding dong with pre-teens (and teens) and create rifts in relationships that, in my therapeutic experience, only gets deeper. I receive regular phone calls from exhausted parents asking me to work with their tween/teenager. They often go a bit like this: “They show me no respect and make me feel like I can’t say or do anything right. They are making me feel bad about myself.”
It’s so important to remember that your children are under no obligation towards you. They have no obligation to like you, respect you or be kind to you. They will, if you’ve created a safe and trusting relationship with them during the previous 10 or so years of their life. Parents must take responsibility for how they feel, and until we do, we can’t expect children to do the same. Children learn their emotional responses from their parents, so you must lead with a gentle curiosity about what’s going on if they are letting you know that life is hard. You can’t do this unless you can turn inwards to yourself first.
When I sit with a tween/teenager – excluding issues of suicide or self-harm – what I am really showing them is total respect, empathy, time and compassion. You can begin to foster all of these with your child at any age so that when these difficult years come, the foundation of your relationship is already there. I don’t have all the answers, but I am prepared to sit with them and tune into who they are until we figure out a constructive way forward together.
I’d really recommend all parents read Brainstorm by Dan Siegal, as it explains the brain function and emotional capabilities of this age group clearly. At this teenage stage, the brain is developing at an enormous pace. Taking risks is part of the brain’s development. It’s so important that you create a safe space and foster a respectful relationship through which this can happen. Remember, your tween/teenager is looking for you to understand them and make their world safe. This happens in so many ways, including with words, tone, behaviours, strong but flexible boundaries and the relationship you have with them.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
by Bethan O'Riordan | Aug 4, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
Isn’t parenting guilt a big, heavy dark emotion? Did you know that guilt is our in-built mechanism for doing no harm? It’s like a reflex that comes on board without you ever having invited it to show up.
What I am saying is that guilt isn’t your fault. Yes, it is letting you know that you’d try to do something different next time. Still, the vital thing to note about guilt is that it can quickly grow legs and become much more entrenched into a parent’s sense of who they are and how they parent if it goes unchecked.
How did you manage guilt when you were younger? For many adults feeling guilty came with a feeling of shame because parents didn’t help make that feeling safe. I know you’re talking about your guilt here, but this is also an excellent opportunity to help your children with their feelings of guilt.
As guilt comes on board automatically when children do or say something they know is wrong, they will feel bad. As a result, they don’t need their parents heaping anything onto them, which they then internalise and become ashamed. My therapeutic experience is that shame is one of our most damaging emotions and is a driving force behind suicidal thoughts. So when your child feels bad, simply help this to become safe and say something like, “it’s a rotten feeling when we do something wrong/do something we didn’t mean, isn’t it?”. Then watch your child take a breath and release the emotion. Powerful stuff.
And, of course, for you to do this with authenticity, you must be able to talk to yourself in this compassionate way too. You have the ability to allow yourself to make mistakes without internally punishing yourself. This skill can be unlocked and nurtured when you’ve worked through your past in therapy and re-parented yourself. Change is possible.
Staying calm in chaotic situations requires two things:
1. Practice – practice being the calm person that you’d like to be. Start by putting your tongue behind your two front teeth at the top, which helps to ground you, and keep your mouth closed, so you don’t say things you don’t want to be saying!
2. Exploring why those situations feel chaotic for you. What do they remind you of in your childhood? Are the feelings reminding you of feeling out of control when you were younger or reminding you of your mum or dad when they were overwhelmed?
The way to put steps in place to help yourself is to feed your senses. Give yourself regular breaks throughout the day to help your nervous system get as close to baseline as possible. If noise is a trigger for you, listen to podcasts. Are you hangry? Eat something. Can you redirect your eyes to something that makes you smile or look at a clear space in your home/around you (if there is one!)? Take a moment to calm that whirring brain by changing what is being input into it.
Anything you can do to help balance yourself will help your children, too, as they learn how to regulate from you.
Remember it doesn’t always have to look pretty – we are teaching children that they will be overwhelmed at times too and that being overwhelmed is never going to look pretty. And that is more than ok.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
by Bethan O'Riordan | Jun 27, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
Each week I answer one of your parenting questions. This week I answer “how can I set boundaries that work?”, I hope the response helps you to be the parent you’d like to be.
When I meet with parents, there are many reasons they find boundaries challenging to stick with. Let’s explore them here and see which ones resonate with you:
- Tiredness
It is much easier to say no to that thing when you’re not tired. When I first became a mum, I remember thinking to myself, “why is it that the right thing to do is always the hardest?” and being quite upset at this realisation.
Solution: Erm, is there a solution to parental tiredness? Yes. Take care of yourself, eat well, exercise and rest when you can. My opinion is that even these things can be hard to achieve. Yet, within the busy days that parenting and life bring, see if you can dial down your expectations. Reduce how many boundaries you have, and be a bit more mindless. The sky won’t fall.
2. Not having a clear idea of what you’d like to happen
When anyone faces a new decision (like every moment in parenting!), and your head is whirring quickly, it’s challenging to show leadership.
Solution:
- Think about what you’d like to be happening. If you’re not sure, then go slowly.
- Take a step back and see where life could be a little more structured and where you can take your foot off the pedal.
- Remember that there is a fine line between boundaries and control.
Does each child need a different limit for their well-being? What boundaries do you need for yourself? Our kitchen closes at 8:30am so I can tidy before we leave the house or get overwhelmed. And it’s a slippery slope if the day begins on the wrong foot for me!
3. Being scared of the fallout when setting a boundary
Many parents fear their children’s reactions when putting a limitation in place.
Solution: The only way children have to let us know they are not okay is through their behaviours. They can’t always articulate how they feel (and they shouldn’t as their brains are developing), so communication may well come like an explosion. The tricky part is that this triggers parents’ inner world, inner childhood experiences, feelings of guilt and shame and a need to make things okay by saying yes.
I’ve worked with many families scared of their children’s response to boundaries. We put steps in place to support the parents, so these situations aren’t insurmountable. And when this happens, children’s negative responses reduce over time too.
Don’t get me wrong; I don’t like being told what to do either.
4. Being afraid of the long-term effects
So many parents are fearful that a decision they make will damage their child or not be the right one.
Solution: Research shows us that it isn’t so much what parents say; it’s more how a parent can share and show delight with their child. This exchange only happens when a parent is authentic, and being genuine means being all of you. Yes, those parts you don’t like can be refined, processed and understood. However, children need a leader to help them become themselves. You don’t have to always say the right thing to lead with compassion, strength and clarity.
5. Strong or weak boundaries as a child
Many parents set boundaries (or don’t) based on those they experienced as a child. However, boundaries aren’t one size fits all, from family to family or child to child. Replicating your childhood boundaries or lack of could leave you frustrated where you thought you had parenting aced.
Solution: How was your childhood? Did you have clear boundaries that helped you feel safe, was your household very punitive, or were you given too much freedom? It is hard to set an effective boundary if we’ve no real experience of being treated that way ourselves, but of course, it is possible.
6. Not being okay in the grey areas of life
Many parents like to know with certainty what to do or say.
Solution: Take the pressure off. You don’t have to always know what the right thing is to do or say. You are in a relationship with yourself and your children, and relationships are messy. They aren’t seamless and are riddled with people doing and saying things they regret. Hang out in the grey. Tell your child you don’t know what to do and that you must think about it. Repair and apologise when you threaten a ludicrous boundary. And laugh about it! After all, we are only human.
If there’s one thing I’d love parents to know about setting and holding a boundary, it’s this; boundaries help children feel safe. They don’t have the life experience, brain development or ability to create contexts that allow them to make safe decisions.
And parents, when your child finds a boundary difficult, this is your golden moment to create safety within your relationship with them. This occasion is where you use your empathy to let your child know how hard it is when life doesn’t go their way and that you are there for them and with them when they find life hard. With your help, your children can practice learning how hard life can be within the safety of their relationship with you when they are young.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
by Bethan O'Riordan | Jun 21, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
Each week I answer one of your parenting and personal development questions. This week I answer “How can I set realistic expectations? I get lost and frustrated when unrealistic expectations aren’t met.” I hope you find the response helpful.
The word expectations is so layered, isn’t it? There are so many expectations for parents and children, which come from everywhere and everyone, including society, religion, family, friends and, of course, ourselves.
Modern life has many benefits, but I often think our ability to have too much information is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, a parent can be confused about what to do in a particular situation and read, research online or ask peers for their advice. However, too much information causes us to move away from what feels right and get stuck in the logic of others.
Within this logic loop, the expectations would try to run the show, and parents get pulled away from their sense of what feels right. And because every child and family is different, it’s helpful to tune into your own set of values, which then formulate your expectations.
Something I ask parents to do is to write a list of the traits in their household. What are the things that you and your children thrive at doing? We want to work out who you all are and what makes you all unique. Take a column for each person. Then do the same for the things with which you each struggle. Think about the times you all get overwhelmed; is it technology use, listening, or following instructions?
For me, it’s tidying. I am terrible at tidying. I am excellent at planning, cooking, and the emotional stuff with myself and the children but tidying is a big headache. So I’ve got a plan that supports me, stops me from getting overcome and helps me be the parent I’d like to be. Once you know this information, you can create realistic expectations based on your children’s and your strengths. You can tune into each child’s needs and be flexible without being upset.
Of course, this takes enormous energy and effort. It seems that you know that your expectations don’t fit your family, so perhaps you are parenting from your inner default mode rather than being the parent you’d like to be.
I know myself, and from supporting other parents, this is a kind of limbo. Yet it’s also an exciting opportunity for your family to create change and reset your values and expectations to work for you all. You’ve also given another great clue in your question to help you move towards being the parent you’d like to be. Feeling adrift can be quite a child-like sensation, so when these situations happen, likely, you’re not parenting from your adult self. In those moments of feeling lost or frustrated, you may have gone into your inner child. We all carry this part of us, and the inner child emerges when our unmet needs rise to the surface.
The transformative power of therapy supports people to respond to life from their wise adult self, who makes choices rather than reacts. Transformation is your inner child healing, allowing us to respond from the scar, not the wound.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be..
