by Bethan O'Riordan | Jun 27, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
Each week I answer one of your parenting questions. This week I answer “how can I set boundaries that work?”, I hope the response helps you to be the parent you’d like to be.
When I meet with parents, there are many reasons they find boundaries challenging to stick with. Let’s explore them here and see which ones resonate with you:
- Tiredness
It is much easier to say no to that thing when you’re not tired. When I first became a mum, I remember thinking to myself, “why is it that the right thing to do is always the hardest?” and being quite upset at this realisation.
Solution: Erm, is there a solution to parental tiredness? Yes. Take care of yourself, eat well, exercise and rest when you can. My opinion is that even these things can be hard to achieve. Yet, within the busy days that parenting and life bring, see if you can dial down your expectations. Reduce how many boundaries you have, and be a bit more mindless. The sky won’t fall.
2. Not having a clear idea of what you’d like to happen
When anyone faces a new decision (like every moment in parenting!), and your head is whirring quickly, it’s challenging to show leadership.
Solution:
- Think about what you’d like to be happening. If you’re not sure, then go slowly.
- Take a step back and see where life could be a little more structured and where you can take your foot off the pedal.
- Remember that there is a fine line between boundaries and control.
Does each child need a different limit for their well-being? What boundaries do you need for yourself? Our kitchen closes at 8:30am so I can tidy before we leave the house or get overwhelmed. And it’s a slippery slope if the day begins on the wrong foot for me!
3. Being scared of the fallout when setting a boundary
Many parents fear their children’s reactions when putting a limitation in place.
Solution: The only way children have to let us know they are not okay is through their behaviours. They can’t always articulate how they feel (and they shouldn’t as their brains are developing), so communication may well come like an explosion. The tricky part is that this triggers parents’ inner world, inner childhood experiences, feelings of guilt and shame and a need to make things okay by saying yes.
I’ve worked with many families scared of their children’s response to boundaries. We put steps in place to support the parents, so these situations aren’t insurmountable. And when this happens, children’s negative responses reduce over time too.
Don’t get me wrong; I don’t like being told what to do either.
4. Being afraid of the long-term effects
So many parents are fearful that a decision they make will damage their child or not be the right one.
Solution: Research shows us that it isn’t so much what parents say; it’s more how a parent can share and show delight with their child. This exchange only happens when a parent is authentic, and being genuine means being all of you. Yes, those parts you don’t like can be refined, processed and understood. However, children need a leader to help them become themselves. You don’t have to always say the right thing to lead with compassion, strength and clarity.
5. Strong or weak boundaries as a child
Many parents set boundaries (or don’t) based on those they experienced as a child. However, boundaries aren’t one size fits all, from family to family or child to child. Replicating your childhood boundaries or lack of could leave you frustrated where you thought you had parenting aced.
Solution: How was your childhood? Did you have clear boundaries that helped you feel safe, was your household very punitive, or were you given too much freedom? It is hard to set an effective boundary if we’ve no real experience of being treated that way ourselves, but of course, it is possible.
6. Not being okay in the grey areas of life
Many parents like to know with certainty what to do or say.
Solution: Take the pressure off. You don’t have to always know what the right thing is to do or say. You are in a relationship with yourself and your children, and relationships are messy. They aren’t seamless and are riddled with people doing and saying things they regret. Hang out in the grey. Tell your child you don’t know what to do and that you must think about it. Repair and apologise when you threaten a ludicrous boundary. And laugh about it! After all, we are only human.
If there’s one thing I’d love parents to know about setting and holding a boundary, it’s this; boundaries help children feel safe. They don’t have the life experience, brain development or ability to create contexts that allow them to make safe decisions.
And parents, when your child finds a boundary difficult, this is your golden moment to create safety within your relationship with them. This occasion is where you use your empathy to let your child know how hard it is when life doesn’t go their way and that you are there for them and with them when they find life hard. With your help, your children can practice learning how hard life can be within the safety of their relationship with you when they are young.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
by Bethan O'Riordan | Jun 21, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
Each week I answer one of your parenting and personal development questions. This week I answer “How can I set realistic expectations? I get lost and frustrated when unrealistic expectations aren’t met.” I hope you find the response helpful.
The word expectations is so layered, isn’t it? There are so many expectations for parents and children, which come from everywhere and everyone, including society, religion, family, friends and, of course, ourselves.
Modern life has many benefits, but I often think our ability to have too much information is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, a parent can be confused about what to do in a particular situation and read, research online or ask peers for their advice. However, too much information causes us to move away from what feels right and get stuck in the logic of others.
Within this logic loop, the expectations would try to run the show, and parents get pulled away from their sense of what feels right. And because every child and family is different, it’s helpful to tune into your own set of values, which then formulate your expectations.
Something I ask parents to do is to write a list of the traits in their household. What are the things that you and your children thrive at doing? We want to work out who you all are and what makes you all unique. Take a column for each person. Then do the same for the things with which you each struggle. Think about the times you all get overwhelmed; is it technology use, listening, or following instructions?
For me, it’s tidying. I am terrible at tidying. I am excellent at planning, cooking, and the emotional stuff with myself and the children but tidying is a big headache. So I’ve got a plan that supports me, stops me from getting overcome and helps me be the parent I’d like to be. Once you know this information, you can create realistic expectations based on your children’s and your strengths. You can tune into each child’s needs and be flexible without being upset.
Of course, this takes enormous energy and effort. It seems that you know that your expectations don’t fit your family, so perhaps you are parenting from your inner default mode rather than being the parent you’d like to be.
I know myself, and from supporting other parents, this is a kind of limbo. Yet it’s also an exciting opportunity for your family to create change and reset your values and expectations to work for you all. You’ve also given another great clue in your question to help you move towards being the parent you’d like to be. Feeling adrift can be quite a child-like sensation, so when these situations happen, likely, you’re not parenting from your adult self. In those moments of feeling lost or frustrated, you may have gone into your inner child. We all carry this part of us, and the inner child emerges when our unmet needs rise to the surface.
The transformative power of therapy supports people to respond to life from their wise adult self, who makes choices rather than reacts. Transformation is your inner child healing, allowing us to respond from the scar, not the wound.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be..
by Bethan O'Riordan | Jun 6, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
No one will ever be as hard on ourselves as ourselves. It’s bonkers when you think about it! It’s totally counterproductive to our happiness and ability to thrive. Having self critical thoughts is not a weakness as it is part of our inner defense and protective system.
Self-criticism is borne from two things:
- Life becomes overwhelming and you feel like you’re not coping.
- Your internal dialogue you learned as a child.
Everyone learns who they are and how to be in life based on their genetics and the environment they grew up in. This is the piece that people come to therapy to work through and re-structure. They aim to be thinking (and believing), their own thoughts about themselves rather than repeating the narrative that was imposed on them when they were young.
Many people give themselves a hard time. It’s much easier to show other people kindness, empathy and compassion than it is to receive it for yourself. Until you develop your skills for doing this.
Critical thinking patterns and thoughts become familiar and our brain automatically goes back to the familiar, rather than what’s helpful for us. The good news is that all is not lost! Our minds are moldable based on the messages going into it. Like any muscle, the brain can be nurtured and helped to thrive in a helpful way so that your default mode has your best interests at heart.
This takes practice and commitment. You don’t say how old you are, but I’m guessing mid-thirties, apologies if I’ve aged you! You’re trying to change 30-ish years of a pattern established in the brain. The joy of therapy is that we put practical steps in place to create new patterns, new systems that support you to be the person that you want to be.
This takes place by bringing understanding and curiosity to the self-critical part and re-learning that coping with life happens best when we can bring gentle strength and compassion, rather than criticism and punishment. The self-critical voice tries to keep us at arms length from truly enjoying life and celebrating who we are as it’s part of our self-protection mechanism.
It’s okay to let these thoughts go and then start to bring in a new, much more helpful inner voice that will support you regardless of what you do and say. This is your compassionate inner ally.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
by Bethan O'Riordan | May 30, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
I am sorry that this is your experience of being a Mum. I’d love to know more about why you think this. You might be able to understand this better yourself by asking yourself these questions.
- Who are you comparing yourself to?
- Is it the practical elements of family life or the emotional development of your child that concerns you?
- What is it about your behaviour and or thoughts that lets you know that you are terrible?
I know that answering these won’t feel great, but in order to shift what doesn’t feel good, we have to understand it.
My guess is that there’s a whole narrative in your mind about you not being good enough. Unfortunately we are dealt with a predisposition to parenting in a certain way based on our unwittingly inherited parenting default mode and perhaps this doesn’t fit with who you’d like to be.
Perhaps there are parts of your parenting that would be more helpful if they changed. But I want you to know this; if you are being the parent you don’t want to be, it’s because you are overwhelmed. If a friend called you and shared the same experiences with you as you are having, what would you say to them? I can imagine you’d be kind, supportive, gentle and offer practical support.
If so, this is what you need to create for yourself. I know that our brains aren’t wired to tell us nice things when we are sinking. But this is what you need.
Is there a friend you can turn to? Can you pay someone to mind the kids and get a break? Can you seek the emotional and practical support to create the changes you’d like to establish within your life?
There is no greater initiation in life than that of motherhood. Those little people in front of you mirroring back to you all the parts of yourself that you find the hardest. I want you to know that you are not alone and every parent feels and experiences this. But remember that your child doesn’t need you to be perfect, just connected to what’s going on for you and able to share delight with your child in their life.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
by Bethan O'Riordan | May 23, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
I know from meeting parents that having a child who is self-harming or suicidal is the most frightening part of parenting any parent will ever face. I want readers to know that change is possible for you, the child and your relationship.
No parent can ever say that their child won’t self-harm or suffer with suicidal thoughts as we are all predispositioned to dark thoughts in our minds. It is essential that you and your child get help.
Self-harm takes many forms, some more obvious and some more hidden. I’d like to start by exploring this so that all parents know what behaviours to keep an eye out for. Self-harm can be (but not limited to) over or under eating, cutting, picking, hair pulling, scratching or banging body parts.
Here’s some practical advice first: make sure your child has clean equipment that they are harming with. Reduce the chance of infection where you can.
Now let’s move on to the emotional advice. Your child and you both need separate therapy and your child may need to attend their GP. Parents need to be guided step-by-step in how to support their child by understanding what to say, what to do and how to help. I am a former therapist at Pieta House,the family therapy support was as essential as the child’s therapy.
Your child needs to learn how to feel emotions so that they are safe, and parents need to learn how to make their emotions safe. Don’t ask your child not to harm, this may make the behaviour go underground. If a child has reached the stage in their lives that they are harming it could suggest that they have moved past the point of talking with their parents; but it is possible to repair this relationship breakdown.
The most important thing a parent can do is take a step back from their family unit and observe what stress the child is absorbing. Is there something within the family, school or friendship dynamic that your child cannot tolerate? Your child may not have words for this so be their detective.
From my experience supporting parents, this is the hardest thing to do. If parents could see the relationship difficulties a child was experiencing then they would be resolved. This is why I urge parents to seek outside support for honest and constructive help in moving yourself and your child through this difficult time.
Within the home your child needs compassionate boundaries. Rules that are not authoritative but ones that support your child and keep them safe. Do not punish your child for self-harming. I’ve met many parents who remove their child’s phone from them when they self-harm. Guides can be put in place to help your child manage their phone use as it certainly does have an impact on their mental health, but cutting your child off from their peers may not be the answer.
Remember that this is your child’s cry for help. They are telling you in no uncertain terms that they are not okay. For healing to take place it’s not only the child’s responsibility to change. When parents change how they support their child an emotional container is created so that self-harm isn’t the safe place for the child, instead you are.
If you are reading this and your children are young and perhaps pickers or nail biters, try to create dialogue around it using empathy. Don’t be blunt and ask why you are picking, take the shame away from it by noticing it “oh, you’ve a cut there,” let me have a look (gently hold around the area), then help “oh, I’ve some cream that we can put on”. And soothe the feelings you see in the picking or cutting with acceptance from yourself.
Teenage self harming is often a response to early childhood experiences. When a parent develops their skills for seeing and validating their children when they are young, it helps so much in the relationship when they are older.
I remember as a young child biting my nails and being punished with horrible tasting polish. What I needed was someone to see my life and the stress I was unable to absorb and take it away. You have that opportunity as a parent to be the detective, take the responsibility of managing that stress and helping your child move through this time in their life.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
by Bethan O'Riordan | May 16, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
Being triggered is a difficult feeling. It’s an out of control sensation that has a domino effect of causing; over-thinking, shame, guilt, critical thinking… I could go on. Being triggered by other parents is normal. I’m imagining Motherland (BBC and Netflix) and chuckling at the accuracy of the portrayal of the characters.
Triggers come from comparison and can leave parents asking themselves, “am I doing the right thing?”. Parents do like to talk about their children’s achievement, after school activities, school grades, amount of friends, basically anything really that helps people gauge how they are doing.
People like to create security by seeking external validation. There is no greater threat to humans than being excluded.. I read recently that isolation is a key indicator for Alzheimer’s, so we cannot underestimate how significant the threat of not being ‘in’ is.
We have really complex human minds, with a tribal brain and a predisposition towards the threat other mums can be triggering. There really is nothing that holds more importance than your child’s wellbeing so it is huge when others are voicing their lives and you’re left wondering about your own.
I honestly can’t understand how all parents don’t need some level of consistent emotional support from outside the family. There’s so much at play!
What I strongly encourage all parents to do is to create your values within your unit. Create your boundaries and be okay with how you’re raising your family.e. Your children need parents who are confident in their decisions and the way their children are growing up. If you’re operating from a place of fear or wondering if you’re doing the right thing then your children will absorb this too.
On a practical level, consider who you’re associating with. If your inner world is being stirred, distance yourself from the people you’re triggered by. Take the time to be proud of yourself and the way your unit is developing. By doing this, others’ comments won’t impact you so much. Yes, that tribal brain may come on board, but when you create security within yourself you can come back to this inner foundation to support you. This is also a wonderful gift to pass on to your children.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
