Welcome to this final part of my Screen Safety Blog series. The impact of screen time for children is becoming more complicated and I want to share simple tips and strategies to help your child keep emotionally and developmentally safe alongside technology. As a psychotherapist, I’m seeing an increasing amount of complications from screen use in children and teens and families are reporting arguments, tension and frustration around managing screens. This blog will help you to move past those screen arguments and help to make screen time for children balanced in your family and help you lead your child with confidence and ease.
If you’re looking for help with any of the areas of screen time for children in this blog, book a parenting consultation or join my online support for parents, The Calm Parenting Community and get the expert guidance you need for a calm family life.
My child is angry after screens
Screen time can seem like it helps to regulate emotions, but this is a red herring. Just because your child is quiet when on a screen, it doesn’t mean this is good for them. Stopping a meltdown is stopping a feeling, which means that feeling stays unsafe. Even though you can’t see it anymore, it’s just been temporarily hidden through the distraction of the screen. Some distractions are helpful, I do miss the days when the kids were younger and they could be distracted by looking out of the window for cows, cats or the dog (living rural benefits!), but the most helpful distractions are ones which create a connection with you.
Our brains are complicated and always looking for safety. The after screen meltdown is your child letting you know they’re not ok. The best way to make that safe is to connect with you.
Meltdowns are your child’s way of letting you know that they are not ok and helping your child to be ok is something every parent can learn by how they respond. Children’s brains aren’t developed enough to put into words what they mean and feel, this comes with life experience and development. So tune into their behaviour which is their communication style.
Your role as parent is to help your child with that feeling, through the connection you have with them, not to give them what they want all of the time. But because we are talking about relationships, I want to make it clear that we aren’t talking about being militant. We are talking about relationships which require talking, listening and flexibility; all of which children aren’t born with but develop over time from the relationship you cultivate with them.
I often get asked if it’s the right thing to do to stop the screen time if a child gets angry and the answer is yes. Remove the screen if it isn’t working for your child or their time has finished. But don’t do it with anger or punishment, do it while caring for your child who is upset. Your role as the parent isn’t to stop your child crying, it’s to help that feeling of disappointment be seen and validated.
Listen to the Screen Safety Podcast Series helping parents manage screen time for children. Listen on Apple, Spotify or Acast.
Is my child addicted to screens?
Children being addicted to games/screens is a very real thing, so don’t discount it. Here’s the more common signs of addiction, even in children:
Has no hobbies outside of gaming/screens and has little/no interest of developing one
Is uneasy when not on screens – might rock back and forward, seem on edge
Poor concentration/attention problems
Reduction of social skills
Only seems happy when on a screen/gaming
Angry and irritable outside of gaming/being on a screen
Develops anxious behaviours and symptoms that seem to go away when on a screen
Has low or little motivation for participating in activities
If you feel that your child is addicted to screens, pay attention to what you’re feeling as your are the person who knows them best. It’s likely that the screen is filling an emotional space in your child’s life and you can help them with this. This doesn’t mean that you’re a bad parent, but you noticing your child is the most important thing. You can absolutely replace screens with something more helpful for them and help them with the physical and emotional withdrawals they experience. This would be quite specific for each child/family and you’re welcome to book a parenting consultation for bespoke support.
What is a reasonable amount of screen time for a child?
There are many resources on google which will give you an exact time for your child by their age, but I want you to move past this. I get asked by almost every parent that I meet about what the right amount of screen time is for their child, and the answer comes in two parts:
Look at your child and gauge by their emotions and behaviours
What sort of child are you trying to raise
But before we get into those, if you’re asking yourself “does my child get too much screen time?” then the answer is probably yes. Remember that your internal gauge, your sense of your child is the most important part of parenting, so listen to this. Remember when your child was young and you just knew there was something up, then a few days later they got a tooth or a cold? Well, that’s your gut instinct telling you something is up and it’s the same with the screen and gaming too.
Now let’s look at the first part – How does your child respond to screens?
Does your child find it tricky to come off screens?
Do they have low motivation/concentration outside of screens?
Do they become hyper stimulated from screen time?
Can they enjoy being outside, reading, sports – activities that stimulate their senses in a different way?
Can they find creativity in boredom?
Secondly – What kind of child are you trying to raise?
All parents I meet want to raise a child who is resilient, kind, caring and will succeed in life. Helping screens to not hamper development or emotions is an essential part of this. Children have to learn the skills of relationships which they firstly learn from their parents. I know parenting is hard work (Mum of three!) and takes time so this hard work is essential in helping your child to become a happy, balanced person. Think of the work you’re putting in now as short term work for long term gain.
Screens don’t teach your child about relationships as the online world can be controlled so easily. Helping your child to develop skills for living in the real world includes making screens safe for children in every way. So yes, even developing a different strategy for those arguments around coming off screen time are an essential life skill to develop; we must help children feel that not getting what they want is actually ok.
Another problem with screens is that they can become a regulation tool for children, but this is a red herring. A child learns to self-regulate through a process called co-regulation with their parent(s), so all emotions that seem like they’re being regulated are, in reality, the screen is masking what’s going on underneath. You want your child to be able to manage their feelings outside of screens. Real world first, screens second.
How much screen time is too much for my child?
Look at your child, look at their whole life- are they living a balanced life, learning how to live in the real world and develop skills which will help them to thrive, or are they stuck in games and becoming increasingly unmotivated to do anything else or are they agitated in their life?
I talk with many parents who say things like “they won’t play lego/go outside/bake/clean their room/write stories/be creative/play/read/listen to or play music, all they want is to be on their screen”. This would signal alarm bells and your child needs help to feel enjoyment in life outside of the blast of audio and visual stimulation the online world provides.
Find it hard to get your child off a screen?
Remember that you, the parent and adult, are the person who gives a child their device so you are the one who can help your child to use screens safely by setting time limits and you can do this without using the screen for negotiating, bribing, arguments, consequences or ultimatums. Having rules around screen time for child that are a discussion and flexible, alongside a clear plan for implementing them without tension from your end will help your child come off screens with ease.
The negative effects of screen time on child development
Like everything, used in moderation, screens are amazing. I live in Ireland, but grew up in Scotland and screens allow me to chat to my pals whenever I want to. Remember that not all screen time is equal but screens also come with many potential dangers which we will look at here.
The biggest problem with screens is that children need to learn to live in the real world too. They can control almost everything online and this isn’t the way in real life.
Children, tweens and teens especially, must find a balance between friends online and friends in the real world.
The online world can be a false version of friendship. The number of friends or followers a person has doesn’t equate in real life and people also say and do things they never would in person so help your child make sense of this.
Relationships in the real world are different; people say things online they’d never say in reality and children need help with this.
There’s the obvious safety issues of what content children are seeing and people/strangers they’re talking to.
Positive screen use is very dependent on the type of programme your child is watching/game they are playing. For example, you can rape and kill a prostitute in one game many teens are playing.
Games/screens put our dopamine system into a spin – did you ever find yourself doom scrolling and suddenly time has passed and you don’t know where it’s gone?
Children’s brains are developing based on the input they receive and children need connection with other children and adults to develop in the most helpful way.
Giving small children in buggies screens to watch removes a significant opportunity to see the world around them, one which they will have to learn to live in.
Is it a good thing my child is chatting online with their friends?
Yes, chatting with other people is really at the core of being human and kids chatting online with their friends can be a great way of having fun. But like everything, keep it in balance, here’s some tips for helping children interact safely online:
Know who they are talking to
Even talking online can become obsessive quite quickly and children/teens can feel like they’re missing out if they’re not part of the conversation
Remember that your child’s senses are still being fed with the stimulating noises/images sending the brain into a more high alert state
But always remember that nothing replaces friendships in person as the social cues are different and essential for children to learn.
When a child does or says the wrong thing on social media
This is a really important part of the online world; when it goes wrong. And it will go wrong, because this is life and it’s how we learn. Unfortunately, the ramifications of things going wrong online can be utterly devastating and your child needs your help without judgment or criticism. I cannot emphasis enough why it’s now become a significant part of parenting to parent your child through the online world. And parent fears around the online world are so very valid, but keeping your fears at bay is essential in helping lead your child through any complications.
First, you need to check your child’s devices and know who they are talking to, what they are talking about what groups they are part of. This way you can keep monitoring what’s happening and if there’s bullying/exclusion/racism/discrimination/illegal activities developing. I’ve seen it all in the therapy room and in my online support, The Calm Parenting Community. It’s your responsibility to be helping your child and this involves seeing what’s going on – the device won’t raise your child, you will.
Secondly, if you see your child has said something/been part of something/something happening to them/others, take a pause from the technology until you feel it’s safe for them to go back on it again. Talk with them about what they think, why it’s happened and their part in it – are they being part of the problem, or part of the solution?
But parents please remember; if your child to talk to you about problems in their life, this will only happen if you are consistently open, kind and non-judgemental with your child. Coming down hard won’t create this relationship, so brace yourself for your child being in the wrong and helping them without shaming them.
And yes, we can say to children that what they post is there forever etc. but the reality is that their brains are impulsive. They need your help navigating the online world without strict rules and punishments, but with a relationship that can help them work through what’s hard.
Setting a positive screen use example
Remember that the family is the training ground for life. Your child will learn their screen habits from yours so be honest with yourself. Do you doom scroll in the evenings or have you the balanced life you’re hoping your child will have?
Parents should, ideally, not be on their phone when a child is around. I know the times that I’m accidentally drawn in, or have to check something important I’ve no clue what’s going on around me. Have a look at these questions which will help you think about your screen time.
What do you do outside of being on your phone?
What are your practical skills and hobbies?
When you’re bored what do you turn to?
When you collect your child from school/an activity, do they see your head in a phone?
When watching tv with your child/family, are you on your phone or are you actually watching tv with them?
What do you do in the evening to unwind from the day?
Good screen free activities
Some parents come to me for tips and suggestions for activities off screens for their children. I went to my Instagram page and asked parents there and have added a few of my own too:
Remember that children are always looking for connection which happens through spending time with you and play. Play is what makes them feel safe and raises resilient children. And don’t forget to play and have fun with those teens too. It might not be playing with dolls or imagination play, but hang out with your teen and have fun as they really need it from you. I know parents are keen to encourage independent play with children and this happens when their connection needs have been met. And if you’re the parent of a teen, this is equally (or perhaps even more so), relevant to you too. Children of all ages need connection and this happens from the quality of time you spend with them.
And if you’re a working parent, don’t panic, it’s the quality not the quantity of the parenting that’s the important bit. Put your phone away when you get home or the kids come home.
Finally…
There’s so much to be said about giving a child a screen/device/access to the online world that I can’t put into a blog. But to summarise:
Helping your child with the online world means having an open, non-judgemental relationship with them to help them navigate this with your help.
You don’t want your child going behind your back, so don’t try to catch them out either. If you find things that aren’t right, talk with your child and take a pause from the technology until you feel they’re supported to go back onto a device.
You are the adult so helping your child use technology is your responsibility; check who they are talking to/gaming with/watching/in online groups with.
There’s lots of apps that parents can put limits on screen use/apps. Be warned that children/teens have ways around some of them. But they can be an essential part of parenting.
Children don’t have limits or an off button and are driven for more, so they need your help turning things off. Use apps to turn off devicees if you need things to come to an end.
Be ontop of how the online world works, the groups, the games and apps. Be in this world with your child.
Create rules for being online with your child but know that they won’t be able to stick to them. When rules are broken these are wonderful opportunities to talk with your child – their need to fit in will at some point be stronger than their need to follow your rules, but a balance can be found.
Help your child live in the real world and help them to create a life that is full of fun.
Don’t use charts to rewards your child’s behaviour, especially with screens. Yes, use screens after jobs have been done, but monitoring behaviour with charts only manages behaviour, it doesn’t manage the feelings that drive behaviour.
It’s the parent/adult responsibility to not create arguments around screen time; a child can try and argue with you, it’s your job not to argue back.
Screens won’t raise your child; you will.
What is the screen time replacing, is it taking away from anything else?
Are there delays in development?
Use screens to have fun, relax, connect but use them in balance.
In this second part in the Screen Safety Blog Series (read part 1 here), I’m going to share my experience helping families make screen time positive and avoid arguments, meltdowns and punishment. In my psychotherapy practice, I’ve seen a steep increase in children and teens presenting with complex issues arising from screen use. These vary from anger, poor self esteem, poor concentration to low motivation and self-harm.
To help you navigate any screen use problems in your family and establish good screen boundaries that work, this blog will cover:
Keeping children safe online
Screen time app limits
Strategies for managing screen time and making it work in your family
This is the most important part of being online and I can’t stress enough how children learning to be safe online develops over time through their exposure and experience. Even when parents explain rules, children don’t know how to be safe. Always remember that when parents tell a child how to be safe online, they don’t fully understand what this means and need guidance and help along the way. Learning is a process of making mistakes and how you help your child with these is essential in maintaining a relationship where your child wants to talk with you. In short, punishment, anger and limiting use because of behaviour have no place in keeping children safe online.
Parental controls can be an essential part of keeping your child safe, and if you’re unsure about what this means, head to webwise.ie for simple tips and advice for keeping children safe online. But teaching online safety to children is more than managing apps, let’s get into it more.
Apps that limit screen time
I know many parents who rely on parental apps that limit screen time, which can be helpful (I’ve forgotten that I’ve said “15 minutes left” then half an hour later remembering!), but there’s nothing that will replace conversations. I’ve met many children and teens whose phones/devices cut off after a certain time who said, “I didn’t finish what I wanted” or “oh, but my friends weren’t on”. This then leaves parents feel compromised and suddenly you’re down a rabbit hole of negotiations, arguments and potential fallouts. And what we want is for screen time to not become a ‘thing’ or source of tension in your family.
Remember that everything is in the relationship you create around the boundaries. Children don’t need their lives managed remotely – they need to learn how to manage life, manage when we want more and can’t (anyone else find it hard to just head half a chocolate bar?) and this happens from the relationship you have with them. And this happens through being curious about their life and helping them in a practical way use technology. Hopefully you can see this is very different to just have it turned off remotely “and that’s that”. Here we are explaining it a little more on the Mum Mind Podcast.
Healthy screen time boundaries
My recommendation for the best strategies for managing screen time is to talk with your child. I know this takes time and is another thing to do (Mum of three over here!), but I can’t emphasise how important this is. Here’s some practical tips:
Ask them what they’re up to on their device – is it a bit of chatting with friends, gaming solo, waiting for other kids to come online, a bit of Tic Tok, snapchat, research, you tube, Netflix…there’s so many choices!
Help your child plan their screen time that day.
Remember that children don’t want to wait for their screens, they want them now, so it’s up to you to help them use their time how they want to.
I’m thinking of when a child is asked “do you want to wait until your friends are online?” and they want to go on immediately then become upset when their time is over and their friends have only just come on…or worse, not on yet!
Your child needs help to manage thing – suggest they do something else in the meantime and help them learn the skill of patience and waiting.
Remember that you are the adult, it was you who brought a device/screen into the home so it’s for your to manage, not your child.
Strategies for making screen time positive in your family
If you decide that you’d like screens and devices in your family, it’s you the adult and parent who is responsible for the rules that make it work. Remember that making it work doesn’t mean it’s always going run smoothly and the kids will comply! And you don’t want this anyway, not really. Children are learning about life through the relationship they have with you so through the boundaries that you set. So this means that the disagreements, the discussions and the consistency of your response is your child is learning how to tolerate the ups and downs of life.
These four simple strategies will help to promote sensible screen use in your family and keeping online safety for your children at the front of how they use screens:
Give children a short amount of free time screen time. Let them explore what they’d like to, chat with their friends, watch a video (of course make sure you’ve your parental control set up so they can’t access unsafe content).
Let’s be realistic – you can’t always sit and be with your child, there’s things to be done! (I repeat: mother of three over here!), but if there’s time sit with them and watch what they’re watching/playing, even for a few minutes at the end.
Play the game/watch the programme with your child. Children love nothing more than the right amount of attention and playing with them is the best way of creating a secure attachment. Remember that teens like to be hung out with too!
Then afterwards ask them about what they’re watching – who are the characters, what are the songs, what’s the music/storyline, who was online with you, did you win/lose, what number did you come, what team did you play? What you’re trying to do is to get into their world and share it with them. Remember that connection is the thing that makes your child’s world safe and your child needs you to be interested in their world.
Are certain programmes and games better for children?
I’d be here forever if I went into specific programmes, but I urge you to tune into your child. If you feel a game/programme isn’t ok, then it’s probably not so it’s your responsibility to remove that from your child’s life. Flashes of light/noise/killing/music feed into the senses and brain development of your child; what goes in can be hyper stimulating.
Also remember that children learn their social cues from you, including developmental stages such as talking and fine and gross motor skills.
Here’s a brief summary:
Screens are hyper stimulating, so ideally no screens under the age of 2
Skype/zoom calls are different as there’s no flashes of light
Killing games with blood, guns and violence can be disturbing for children
Games that encourage talking, movement and teams can be more helpful
Make sure your child is playing games that are age appropriate
Boys, more so than girls, can have an in built system which wants and ned to conquer so help them achieve this in the real world, not just the online one.
Strategies to manage after screen meltdowns
It’s important to bridge that gap of coming off screens for your child. Imagine this; their senses are being flooded with information, lights, flashing, noises and you’re interrupting that. A great tip I learned from Stef (my Mum Mind Podcast co-host) is to get into the world with your child to help them come out of it. Talk about the programme/game, have a conversation about what they’re watching, reminding them how many minutes they’ve left. Then when time is up it gets turned off.
I also know that this may not always bypass a meltdown, so here’s what to do then:
Don’t shout back at your child
Don’t fall into the spiral of “you always do this, you agreed not to do this” type conversations
It is your role to help guide them through this; they are letting you know that aren’t ok so be kind to them and help them manage their feelings of disappointment and anger by being listening and co-regulating
If done right, meltdowns are an opportunity for you to deepen the relationship with your child
Help your child find their sweet spot with screens so the melt downs by listening/watching to their cues. Children can’t regulate themselves or screens, they don’t have the ability to listen to their cues, it’s the parents responsibility to feed this back in a way that builds a trusting relationship
Online safety for children is complicated!
I hope this blog answers your questions about how to help children be safe online. There’s so much to know, and so much that you won’t know about until you’re faced with that problem which is why putting rules in place is so important and keeping an open, punishment and argument free relationship with your child.
All participants at my Screen Safety Talk will receive a complimentary Rules for Online Contract to use with your family to help keep everyone safe. Remember, you’ve to try your very best to know how to keep your child safe online as they don’t have the skills, yet.
I want you to parent with ease and confidence and not let screens get in the way of that. Alongside my eighteen years working with children, teens, adults and families I am also a Mum of three…so I really do understand the screen struggles both personally and professionally! In the last few years, I’ve seen a significant increase in child and teen problems related to screen use and I want to help parents know how to help children manage screen time and make it positive in their lives.
This blog will focus on my professional experience and share strategies from this perspective – I share about my personal parenting experiences in the safety of my online parenting support The Calm Parenting Community, which you’re welcome to read about here.
In this three part blog series, I’m going to cover the essentials for all parents for keeping children safe online and share my best screen safety tips. This blog runs alongside a Screen Safety Talk I’m holding in February, and three part series on my podcast The Mum Mind Podcast (or how to stop your mother falling out of your life). So if your eyes are too tired for reading, listen here on Apple, Spotify or ACast.
This first screen safety blog will help you with:
Keeping children safe online
What screen time is good for my child?
Finding balance with screen time
Keeping children safe online
Screen time boundaries
Strategies for managing screen time and making it positive in your family
I want to start this blog with a caveat; if you’re struggling right now, have mental health difficulties or are finding life hard and you know you’re leaning on screens more than usual, that’s ok. This is the gift of the online world. Hopefully this blog will share some tips to lighten your load, so let’s get started.
Finding Balance with Screen Time
What’s essential for all children, and families, is children having a life outside of screens. The biggest danger that I see with screen use is that it impacts children’s natural motivation and ability to find life enjoyable. How can the real world compete with the flashing, noises and intensity of the online world that sends children so easily into a trance?
And of course the real world can. And it’s your job as a parent to help make your child’s screen time be safe and help them to find balance. Here’s some tips:
It is essential that your child has hobbies and interests outside of the screen
Children need to feel that natural pleasure of achievement, not screen induced
If your child doesn’t want to do things alone, bridge that gap by doing activities with them to build their motivation and enjoyment
Help your child live in the real world and help them be part of your family through cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, doing dishes, tidying etc. Yes, I know these jobs can seem so mundane, but do them together and help your child develop essential life skills that the online world can’t teach them.
Keeping children safe online
This is the most important part of being online and I can’t stress enough how children learning to be safe online develops over time through their exposure and experience. Always remember that when parents tell a child how to be safe online, they don’t fully understand what this means and need guidance and help along the way.
Parental controls can be an essential part of keeping your child safe, and if you’re unsure about what this means, head to webwise.ie for simple tips and advice for keeping children safe online.
Apps that limit screen time
I know many parents who rely on parental apps that limit screen time, which can be helpful (I’ve forgotten that I’ve said “15 minutes left” then half an hour later remembering!), but there’s nothing that will replace conversations. I’ve met many children and teens whose phones/devices cut off after a certain time who said, “I didn’t finish what I wanted” or “oh, but my friends weren’t on” and then the parents feel compromised and suddenly you’re down a rabbit hole of negotiations, arguments and potential fallouts. And what we want is for screen time to not become a ‘thing’ or source of tension in your family.
Remember that everything is in the relationship you create around the boundaries. Children’ don’t’ need their lives managed remotely – they need to learn how to manage life, manage when we want more and can’t (anyone else find it hard to just head half a chocolate bar?) and this happens from the relationship you have with them, through being curious about their life and helping them in a practical way use technology; not just have it turned off remotely “and that’s that”.
Screen time boundaries
My recommendation for the best strategies for managing screen time is to talk with your child. I know this takes time and is another thing to do (Mum of three over here!), but I can’t emphasise how important this is. Here’s some practical tips:
Ask them what they’re up to on their device – is it a bit of chatting with friends, gaming solo, waiting for other kids to come online, a bit of tic tok, snapchat, research, you tube, netflix…there’s so many choices!
Help your child plan their screen time that day.
Remember that children don’t want to wait for their screens, they want them now, so it’s up to you to help them use their time how they want to.
I’m thinking of when a child is asked “do you want to wait until your friends are online?” and they want to go on immediately then become upset when their time is over and their friends have only just come on…or worse, not on yet!
Your child needs help to manage thing – suggest they do something else in the meantime and help them learn the skill of patience and waiting.
Remember that you are the adult, it was you who brought a device/screen into the home so it’s for your to manage, not your child.
Strategies for managing screen time and making it a positive in your family
If you decide that you’d like screens and devices in your family, it’s you the adult and parent who is responsible for the rules that make it work. Remember that making it work doesn’t mean it’s always going run smoothly and the kids will comply! And you don’t want this anyway, not really; kids are learning about life through the relationship they have with you so through the boundaries that you set, the disagreements, the discussions and the consistency of your response, your child is learning how to tolerate the ups and downs of life, especially learning how they can’t always get what they want.
So here’s some simple strategies for promoting sensible screen use:
Giving them a short amount of free time screen time. Let them explore what they’d like to, chat with their friends, watch a video (of course make sure you’ve your parental control set up so they can’t access unsafe content).
Let’s be realistic – you can’t always sit and be with your child, there’s things to be done! (I repeat: mother of three over here!), but if there’s time sit with them and watch what they’re watching/playing, even for a few minutes at the end.
Play the game/watch the programme with your child. Children love nothing more than the right amount of attention and playing with them is the best way of creating a secure attachment. Remember that teens like to be hung out with too!
Then afterwards ask them about what they’re watching – who are the characters, what are the songs, what’s the music/storyline, who was online with you, did you win/lose, what number did you come, what team did you play? What you’re trying to do is to get into their world and share it with them. Remember that connection is the thing that makes your child’s world safe and your child needs you to be interested in their world.
I hope this blog has helped you learn more about how to keep children safe online. If you’d like to know more, ask me questions and really make this work for your family, join me at my Screen Safety Talk, online on 8th February for only €25. All the information and to book your place here.
There’s so much information for you to know as a parent and I don’t want to overwhelm with one long blog, so make sure to check out Part 2 and 3 for a full and comprehensive information to help you make screen time safe in your family. The next blogs cover:
Are certain programmes/games better for children
Managing after screen meltdowns
Helping teens manage apps
How to tell if your child is addicted to screens/games
In my eighteen years supporting families, I’ve worked closely with families to make separation as simple as possible and help make the welfare of the children a priority. Of course, separation and divorce often isn’t simple and is emotionally and logistically draining. Whether your contemplating leaving a marriage with children or you’re unmarried and separating, these tips for splitting up when you’ve children will help you to cope with separation and divorce for all involved.
Remember, it is possible to have a successful divorce while keeping the children supported throughout. The most important part of separation is to reduce the emotional impact on children and this is possible when parents are supported to know what to do and say.
Is it better to stay together when you’ve kids if you’re unhappy?
The answer to this is very simple – no. There’s two parts to this firm no, which I hope will make your decision clearer around separation.
Firstly, the family is the training ground for life and your children are learning about relationships from you. Secondly, children feel what goes on around them so if they are living in a home where there’s deep unhappiness, resentment or even anger then children feel this and creates difficult emotions inside.
Bethan O’Riordan has worked extensively with families to help them create happy and calm lives
When to tell your child that you’re separating
I often get asked when is the best time to tell your child you’re separating? Is there ever a good time to deliver news to a child that they may find hard? Probably not, but you can safe guard them using these steps as a guide for making separation easier for children.
Tune into your child
As their parent, you know your child best. Ask yourself, does your child already know? Children are incredibly perceptive and feel everything so they probably already feel that there’s something up and that the relationship between their parents has changed. Children develop anxiety when parents don’t help them to make sense of what they’re feeling inside, so if you suspect your child knows that something us up it’s best that you tell them.
Telling your child that you’re separating actually can reduce anxiety in them. An important part of telling a child that you’re separating is to tell them during the day. Telling a child big news which will impact them emotionally during the evening can lead to sleepless nights. Also, you want to be able to observe how they are after you talk with them and be available for questions or any emotions that will come.
Let them ask questions
Infact, ask them if they have questions. Don’t shy away from this part because you’re worried you won’t have the answer. It’s ok not to have the answer and tell your child you haven’t worked out that bit yet. You listening to them is the most important part of separation as it helps the to feel validated and safe. Remember the best thing you can ever do as a parent is to listen and support rather than fix – easier said than done!
How to tell a child that we are separating?
Children always need to feel safe and secure, so in telling your child that you’re separating you must let them know that this decision hasn’t been because of anything they’ve said or done and that both parents still love them as much as they did before.
If possible, tell your children together and agree between parents how this talk is going to look, who is going to say what and probably most importantly, what you’re not going to say. There’s no need to go into adult details that children don’t need to know; stick to the facts that you don’t love each other anymore and have decided that you’ll all be happier being separate.
Telling children you’re separating – 4 things to remember
The most important things to know when you’re telling a child when you’re separating are
Don’t lie or set false expectations
It’s ok that you don’t know exactly how the future is going to look. Promising your child/ren things that you can’t stick to will increase their anxiety during a separation and make them confused and overwhelmed. Helping a child feel safe in the unknown is hard for a parent to manage, but with the right guidance, information and support you can help them feel safe and secure during your separation.
2. Be age appropriate
Don’t load your child with information that they don’t need and don’t complicate this process. Don’t blame the other parent as they will always be your child’s parent and talk with your child in a way that suits their age and understanding.
3. Let your child get it out! Let them react however they need to
Children live in emotions so when they receive big information they usually respond with an emotion, rather than logic. Remember, that they don’t have words to express what’s going on, so you can be their detective and help them with any anger, anxiety or internalising that you notice.
4. Be direct and be yourself
Try not to fluff around and be as direct in this conversation with your child/ren. Children do better with clear information, even if they don’t like what they hear and may become upset, they can make sense of information more easily if it’s clear and direct.
Children need their parents to lead and guide them, but this doesn’t mean you’re not meant to have feelings. You’re allowed to be upset, but try to be calm with your children. If you’re looking for tips for being a calmer parent, get your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting here.
Trusting and accepting the other parent during separation
Separation means that parents may well be taking on different responsibilities and in my experience this can be new territory for either parent and it can be hard to trust that the parenting and responsibilities will be done in a way that you’d like.
This can be incredibly difficult, especially when differences in parenting styles become apparent, but with the right professional parenting advise and support you can help your child cope with inconsistencies and differences.
On this weeks Mum Mind Podcast, we explored this with Louisa Whitney who is a family mediator, have a watch here:
It’s possible to tolerate differences in parenting styles and help your child if it seems confusing for them
Sometimes it isn’t appropriate or safe to sit down together and explain what’s happening to children. If you need to get away from a dangerous situation it’s ok to pack what you can and leave. Life can unfold in ways that are out of our control and you can always be supported to help your children once you’re all safe.
How to leave a relationship if you’ve got no money
There are many reasons for separation and in some circumstances, parents may feel that they’ve not got the money to leave the relationship, so I’d urge you to seek legal advice to protect yourself and your child/ren. You can access free legal advise with your local Citizens information Bureau/Free legal aid centre.
What to do if the relationship with your ex is acrimonious
Many couples whose relationship ends need help communicating and making plans for the family to function. Separating is usually an emotive time with many feelings including anger, hurt and shame. You don’t have to like your ex partner to agree plans for your child/ren and this is where finding an intermediatory can really help to keep the emotions out of the care of the children.
If you cannot communicate with your ex-partner then I’d really recommend having a trained specialist to help you.
Unmarried couples with children and spitting up
There can be slightly different legal terms for unmarried couples splitting up and this is where I’d recommend seeking legal advice. However, the same emotional and logistical principles apply when supporting children as outlined above. Keep the emotional needs of your child at the front of any discussions or plans as you move forwards.
Extra tips to helps if you’re considering splitting up or have separated
I know from my many years as a psychotherapist that separating is a time of many emotions. Supporting children can be draining and at times lonely if you’re the only adult around listen to the emotional fallout from the children. It’s essential that you don’t use your child as your confidant.
Find your own space to offload and keep your adult thoughts and feelings for fellow adults. There are plenty of free and paid communities of others going through separation and divorce both online and in person, so there are places for you to go to and be heard and understood.
You can say that again! As a Mum of three, I know just how hard parenting life can be. We are constantly activated by our children and how we respond as parents to children’s emotions and development directly shapes who they are.
There’s a few different ways to work with me to get the support and answers you’re looking for. Book your complimentary introductory call with me if you’re unsure what’s best for you and your family needs. You can also book directly below.
Book your Parenting Consultation – an online one hour session where we create practical solutions to help navigate your child’s behaviour and emotions
Get your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting and get tips to help you respond, rather than react. And get your complimentary video “How to Help Children Regulate their Emotions” – essential parent viewing!
Join the Calm Parenting Community, Bethan’s online parenting community hosted in an app where you can chat with Bethan and get support, tips and advice on the go.
Bethan is a psychotherapist and Mum of three living in Cork, Ireland. She specialises in supporting parents and helping families have calm, happy lives. Her work has spanned eighteen years working in addiction, homeless services, suicide and self-harm prevention.
Bethan is an expert in understanding children’s behaviour and emotions and helping parents to help their children through tough times and the day to day parenting struggles.
Her work has been featured locally, nationally and internationally and she co-hosts the Mum Mind Podcast with Stef from Kinderama where they solve parenting problems.
I hear this a lot! You’re not alone. Sometimes we can think too much about avoiding being the parent we had, and too little about being the parent we want to be. Dodging the parenting styles we received growing up can often result in over-compensation and a scrambled approach where there isn’t a clear separation between parent and child.
Remember, it isn’t selfish to establish that separation either. It’s important for your child’s personal development to be independent, even from a young age. Children are innately empathic and will pick up on how you feel, including your anxieties and insecurities, and because their world is very small at this age, they’ll assume all these feelings of yours are caused by them.
But it’s never too late to bring about that separation in a positive way that benefits both you and your child. Ensuring your child knows you love them, no matter what they’ve done, will help to create a strong foundation in your child and sense of who they are. In practical terms, here a few tips:
Secure attachment happens with practice – so set up your child with an activity in the same room as you then practice popping in and out. remember that secure attachment isn’t being with your child. The only thing you need for secure attachment is your attention.
Secure attachment comes from your attention and ability to share joy with your child. This is closely linked with internal family systems work, which in short is about what emotions are being passed through a family.
Take breaks regularly to fill your internal reservoir so that you’ve the capacity for helping your child
This won’t be easy but if you remain consistent and predictable, you and your child will create the relationship you want, and deserve, to have.
If this resonates with you and you’d like practical support for creating the foundations of this important relationship, join the Calm Parenting Club today and be the change your children needs. The Calm Parenting Club is my online parenting community with daily access and parenting advise and support from myself to help you to be the mindful, gentle parent you’d like to be. Membership starts at only €10 a month.
Remember that accepting them and helping them now pays off so much when they are older.
We often talk about this in the Calm Parenting Community and I think the question “how can I help my child who hates losing” is such an important one because it’s really setting up their sense of identity and mental health.
To preface my answer, I want to share a little of my experience of playing with one of my children when they were younger. I’ll be honest; when they lost at a game it totally overwhelmed me. Their screaming, crying, throwing, anger and the time it took to come down embarrassed me, overwhelmed me and brought out the worst parts of me. So I used to let them win because I just didn’t have the energy,
So I get it. I didn’t know that I hadn’t yet learned the skills of helping someone with their anger, because I hadn’t been taught myself.
But this is where children need their parent to be the mindful, gentle parent so that they can lead a child and guide them through what’s hard for them. The first part of this is allowing your child to lose it and you keep things safe for them. Don’t fall down the logic trap of explanations as this level of emotion needs a feelings connection to make it safe.
Use your empathy to show you get it, stay in the moment with your child, let them know through your behaviour, voice tone and body language that they are ok, it’s ok to lose and that you get how hard this is for them.
What your child needs from you in that moment is regulation and this starts with you regulating yourself. So be honest, what goes on inside of you when these big explosions happen. Are you able to stay connected to you or is your mind in a whirr, feeling unsteady, angry or out control?
Remember that you are re-learning the process of regulating yourself too, so this takes time but something that you can’t expect a child to do alone. They regulate when you regulate.
And here is where the fun begins!
If you’re looking for low cost support with enhancing your skills for regulation of yourself and your child, joinus in the Calm Parenting Club.
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