by Bethan O'Riordan | Apr 24, 2023 | Blog, Parenting
I hear this a lot! You’re not alone. Sometimes we can think too much about avoiding being the parent we had, and too little about being the parent we want to be. Dodging the parenting styles we received growing up can often result in over-compensation and a scrambled approach where there isn’t a clear separation between parent and child.
Remember, it isn’t selfish to establish that separation either. It’s important for your child’s personal development to be independent, even from a young age. Children are innately empathic and will pick up on how you feel, including your anxieties and insecurities, and because their world is very small at this age, they’ll assume all these feelings of yours are caused by them.
But it’s never too late to bring about that separation in a positive way that benefits both you and your child. Ensuring your child knows you love them, no matter what they’ve done, will help to create a strong foundation in your child and sense of who they are. In practical terms, here a few tips:
Secure attachment happens with practice – so set up your child with an activity in the same room as you then practice popping in and out. remember that secure attachment isn’t being with your child. The only thing you need for secure attachment is your attention.
Secure attachment comes from your attention and ability to share joy with your child. This is closely linked with internal family systems work, which in short is about what emotions are being passed through a family.
Take breaks regularly to fill your internal reservoir so that you’ve the capacity for helping your child
This won’t be easy but if you remain consistent and predictable, you and your child will create the relationship you want, and deserve, to have.
If this resonates with you and you’d like practical support for creating the foundations of this important relationship, join the Calm Parenting Community today and be the change your children needs. The Calm Parenting Community is my online parenting community with daily access and parenting advise and support from myself to help you to be the mindful, gentle parent you’d like to be. Membership starts at only €10 a month.
Remember that accepting them and helping them now pays off so much when they are older.
by Bethan O'Riordan | Apr 14, 2023 | Blog, Parenting
We often talk about this in the Calm Parenting Community and I think the question “how can I help my child who hates losing” is such an important one because it’s really setting up their sense of identity and mental health.
To preface my answer, I want to share a little of my experience of playing with one of my children when they were younger. I’ll be honest; when they lost at a game it totally overwhelmed me. Their screaming, crying, throwing, anger and the time it took to come down embarrassed me, overwhelmed me and brought out the worst parts of me. So I used to let them win because I just didn’t have the energy,
So I get it. I didn’t know that I hadn’t yet learned the skills of helping someone with their anger, because I hadn’t been taught myself.
But this is where children need their parent to be the mindful, gentle parent so that they can lead a child and guide them through what’s hard for them. The first part of this is allowing your child to lose it and you keep things safe for them. Don’t fall down the logic trap of explanations as this level of emotion needs a feelings connection to make it safe.
Use your empathy to show you get it, stay in the moment with your child, let them know through your behaviour, voice tone and body language that they are ok, it’s ok to lose and that you get how hard this is for them.
What your child needs from you in that moment is regulation and this starts with you regulating yourself. So be honest, what goes on inside of you when these big explosions happen. Are you able to stay connected to you or is your mind in a whirr, feeling unsteady, angry or out control?
Remember that you are re-learning the process of regulating yourself too, so this takes time but something that you can’t expect a child to do alone. They regulate when you regulate.
And here is where the fun begins!
If you’re looking for low cost support with enhancing your skills for regulation of yourself and your child, join us in the Calm Parenting Club.
by Bethan O'Riordan | Mar 27, 2023 | Blog, Parenting
It can be difficult to find time to ground yourself, especially if you don’t know what the practice really looks like for you and what you hope to gain from it. Once you know this, it’s easier to turn a goal into a plan. You’ll find yourself utilising those pockets of time for yourself more wisely, rather than being so frustrated that you miss those opportunities altogether.
Grounding is all about creating an alternative to stress and overwhelm. Being a parent is so busy and there’s so much to do that parents often report feeling frazzled and overwhelmed at point throughout the day. And often this can come to a head in the evening time, which can feel so unfair because you’ve to manage this and get the kids to bed!
You may want to carve out buckets of time for re-setting your central nervous system, but grounding is something best done little and often. This way, when crisis hits, your energy and focus are topped up and you can approach the situation with a level head.
Being negatively stimulated often brings about the need for grounding when it’s too late. Our senses trigger our thoughts, so nurture your senses positively throughout the day. Have pictures around the home which make you smile and remember good times, take time to stop and have a cup of tea, go to the toilet when you need it and sit down when you’d like to.
And I know these things may seem like a luxury, but once you get into it you get used to it and your nervous system begins to feel it’s ok to slow down. My best advise is to take short, regular breaks and fill your senses with what makes you feel good, even if for a moment. This is the anti-dote to stress and overwhelm.
And yes, it’s hard to do with the kids around, but not impossible. Over time they get used to you stopping.
This is something we talk about in depth in the Calm Parenting Club, and there’s so much in the app so you have what your senses need to help them slow down in one handy spot.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting and if you’re looking for immediate parenting advise, join us in the Calm Parenting Club.
by Bethan O'Riordan | Feb 27, 2023 | Blog, Parenting
Carving time out in your busy schedule for yourself is an important part of being a parent. Here’s how you make the most of those hidden pockets of time in your day.
When I read this question, it took me back to my early motherhood days when I couldn’t consistently guarantee I’d cleaned my teeth, yet the kids were eating the most beautiful organic home-cooked foods. It takes time to find your way and create time for yourself. As parents, we must learn that delicate balance between our children’s needs and our own.
So, let’s get practical. Firstly, let’s be realistic about how much time is available to you. My children are now 11, nine and eight, and I’ve no clue where they are in the house as I respond to your question. I know this is a luxury as my children have no additional needs, so I’ve no impending concern for their safety. I also remember when the kids were toddlers and babies; not knowing where they were wasn’t an option.
Look at your schedule and see where there are pockets of time. Are there five or 10 mins here and there? Are you a working parent, and can you use a lunch break? I’m not sure how old your children are, but when mine were little, I discovered that if I stopped every day at 10 am and sat at the table with a drink, it allowed me time for myself.
The essential part of this is what you do in your downtime. What can you do to help you feel mentally and physically rested? Would a lie on the floor help? A stretch? A cup of tea while listening to a podcast? I have recently started letter-writing again and feel great because of it.
If your kids are small (or big!), they may pester you when you stop, so having something to do is helpful. Tell them, “I’m just reading my magazine. I’ll be with you in 10 minutes”, or if they are younger, have something for them to do at the table next to you. They will learn over time that this is downtime, and you’ll still be able to feel like you’ve had time for yourself.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting to help develop new coping skills for what’s hard. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club, my online parenting community.
by Bethan O'Riordan | Feb 20, 2023 | Blog, Parenting
Self-care is not a mythical creature, but as a parent, it can often feel like it. If you’re finding it challenging to make time for acts of self-care you need to clarify your motivation for taking care of yourself.
We need to re-frame self-care. Self-care is a mix of many things, but busy parents need to work out what they’re hoping for – this will help to de-bunk the myth part of it.
Do you want to connect with yourself or with friends?
Do you wish to regulate your emotions?
Do you need to unwind or chill out?
Do you want to get fit?
Do you need to improve your mental health?
Do you want to stop shouting at your children?
Do you want to stop being self-critical?
You’re allowed to choose all of the above!
When you know what you’re looking for, you can create realistic plans that fit your life and time availability. The critical thing to remember about self-care is that it doesn’t always have to involve spending money and attending events. Yes, I adore my weekly pilates, crossfit and walks with the dog, but I also find enormous comfort and nurturing in paying attention to my daily needs.
Think about what parts of your day exhaust you. When do you need to stop and take a break? Create a routine to help yourself regulate, wind down and be at ease. This might be having a cup of tea, jogging on the spot, taking a breath of fresh air, reading a book, or listening to your favourite podcast.
These simple but powerful activities, which help you tune in, will support your mind and body. By incorporating them into your life, you’re looking after yourself and showing your children how to look after themselves.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting to help develop new coping skills for what’s hard. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club, my online parenting community.
by Bethan O'Riordan | Feb 13, 2023 | Blog, Parenting
There’s almost always one parent who thinks of or takes care of more household and parenting matters than the other. Here’s how you can learn to share the challenges and improve your parenting relationship.
Sharing parenting responsibilities involves three things – good communication, all parties not taking things personally and letting go of control. These principles apply whether you’re separated or still in a relationship with the other parent. I am not sure where you’re feeling stuck, but managing children’s lives involves creating a new dialogue and way of relating.
The tricky thing about parenting is that we all fall back to our parenting default mode and, from this place, carve a new way of parenting – or not. This is where most families become stuck. Most parents want to hang onto the good bits of parenting they received and re-mould the more unhelpful bits, which can leave parents in different places with different values and desires for how they wish to carry out the practicalities of parenting.
So, in terms of sharing the emotional load, it’s helpful when both parties reduce expectations. I’ve met many parents who won’t share the emotional load because their partner “doesn’t do things as well”, misses details, and the big one, “won’t do it properly”. But here’s the thing – each child needs to form a relationship with their parents, and that’s between them.
So how to share the emotional load? Talk about why you do the things you do, why they are important to you and then listen to the other parent’s opinion too – somewhere in between is your middle ground. Keep talking, keep your views/instructions clear and reflect on why it’s hard for you to let go of control because this will give you all the answers you need.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting to help develop new coping skills for what’s hard. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club, my online parenting community.
