by Bethan O'Riordan | May 9, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
I’m seeing a significant increase in parents waiting for a CAMHS assessment for their child. My opinion is that lock downs have been hard for many families and now the toll is beginning to show.
The wait for the CAMHS appointment can be long, especially if your child’s behaviours and emotions are getting progressively worse. What I am seeing is that the lockdowns have shone a light on a child’s inner world; isolation is the number one indicator for mental health. As humans we are a social species and need to be in a tribe to survive. When this connection is removed all sorts of tricky things happen in the mind.
If your child is struggling with their emotions, your child needs you to do these three things:
- Have clear boundaries that you stick to, but that also be flexible when needed.
- Create an environment which is open to listening, validating, calm, consistent, compassionate and not shaming.
- Reflect on your behaviour and how you respond to your child.
What I tell every parent when I meet them is that a child’s greatest therapist will always be their parent. I know that the professional assistance of a CAMHS therapist is helpful in supporting a child but my experience is that every parent can develop, or enhance their skills in helping their children.
When anyone goes to therapy, the primary role of the therapist is to have an unconditional positive regard for their children. By this I mean a therapist will always hold the child in the highest of regard, listen to them, validate them, accept them and offer help.
I believe that with the correct guidance, every parent can also offer this unconditional emotional safety for their child too. I know it’s not easy and can be tiring and overwhelming, but the value of the parent re-parenting themselves and upskilling in this way holds untold benefits in creating a healthy relationship between them and their child.
It’s so helpful when a parent takes on this responsibility as it also means that when your child ends therapy, the emotional environment is supportive for them to continue to thrive. We want the alliance to be strong between child and parent, not only parent and therapist.
So in answer to the reader’s question, “what can I do?”, you can begin by working out what do you find difficult about your child’s behaviours or emotions? Where are you stuck? And what do you need to change to be supportive to your child and yourself? Above all, I urge you to reflect on how you can upskill and be the solution to your child’s problems.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
by Bethan O'Riordan | May 3, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
The place to start for answering this reader’s question is to explore what confidence is. Confidence comes from celebrating the wins with your child, but it really blossoms when you show your child understanding and acceptance when things are hard for your child.
Being confident doesn’t mean that you, or your child, doesn’t have big emotions. Being confident doesn’t mean you power your way through life. We all have emotions as part of our response to new situations. Feeling and expressing these doesn’t mean that anyone isn’t confident.
What I am thinking about are situations where children are shy, overwhelmed, anxious, upset, nervous or angry. These emotions are an inherent part of being human and confidence comes when you know how to handle them so that they don’t consistently run the show. We all get overwhelmed at times and parents need only be concerned if difficulties become a consistent pattern within a child’s life.
The most helpful way that you can help a child be confident comes from how you support them when they are finding life hard. We know when a child is finding life hard when they cry, feel guilty, be angry, shout, hit, throw, punch, bite, be shy, anxious or overwhelmed. It’s in these moments that parents have golden moments to help these big feelings be safe and this creates the internal foundations for confidence to thrive. When big emotions are safe children move forwards with their lives with confidence.
I see it so many times that parents miss these moments. For example, if a child knocks something they say “oh, again, clumsy”, instead of “here, let me help you with that”. Or at the side of a pitch parents comment about what their child missed or didn’t do. What I am trying to say is that so often parents unwittingly create shame around children’s behaviours and emotions by passing comments. This is the number 1 cause of chipping away at a child’s confidence.
If you fall into this rabbit hole I want you to know that you are not alone. But I cannot emphasise enough how important it is that you bring awareness to your actions and words. You are the adult and it is your responsibility to help your child develop a sense of who they are without shame.
If you’re unsure if this applies to you simply reflect on your behaviours over the next few days.. Children need to know that when they’ve made an error and internally feel unsafe or guilty that they can come to you for safety. If you are not that safe person to turn to then your child will not create the inner confidence they need to thrive in life.
Also, don’t collude with other parents if they’re taking about the things their kids do wrong. Maintain the integrity of your child and their developing emotions within the safety of their relationship with you. Confidence is born from a child’s relationship with their parents and this is massively undermined if you cannot accept who they are.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
by Bethan O'Riordan | Apr 25, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
Oh what a great question! We can get into the nitty gritty of this quite easily and help you create practical steps to help your parenting be easier. All parents want to know how to support their children’s emotional development, so why is it so hard?
What’s happening to you is that your body and brain are releasing unconscious memories of being that age and how you were responded to. This is why your emotions can seem so powerful and can feel a bit like an out of body experience. Our brain retains all of our life experiences. Luckily we can’t remember them all (imagine how much more crazy we’d be!), but the memories seep out through the relationships that we have with those closest to us.
This isn’t your fault.
And my opinion is that it’s the hardest and most unfair part of parenting. None of us knew that we would give birth to a tiny human full of hope and wonder and as they grew, we would start acting out how we were treated and how we felt being that age.
But whilst it’s not your fault, the good news is that you can be the change your children need and take responsibility for what’s hard. The first part of this is focusing on yourself first. You need to develop your skills for tolerating the big emotions that come up within you. This starts by you bringing awareness to what’s going when your toddler expresses emotions:
1. What are the situations that you find hard? What does your toddler say or do?
2. How does this feel inside your body? Parents I meet often report intense
waves of emotion running through their body.
3. What do you say?
4. How do you act?
Finding a place of emotional safety within you is the next step. You need to welcome those big emotions you weren’t allowed to express and make them safe. In therapy we call this inner child work; how can we let that little girl inside of you feel safe and welcomed when she is finding life so very hard and she feels misunderstood?
Toddlers will express what they want to express. They are the ultimate in mindfulness and don’t we know it! The important bit for you to remember is that you don’t have to interrupt their emotions or use logic to calm them down. Emotions are like roller coasters, they go up and then they come down.
If you can enhance your skills in being connected with yourself then you will stay calm. Try counting your breaths, singing a song in your head, fiddling with a bit of jewelry (I’m a real fiddler so this works well for me), or simply walk away before you explode.
What I really want you to know is that you are not alone. This is the journey of every parent and it’s okay that at this time you haven’t found that place of calm. What your child needs isn’t for you to be Buddha, but for you to take those steps that will begin the journey of healing your wounds. An important part of this will be finding a way to express your emotions that you weren’t allowed to express as it seems they are ready to come out now. That’s why I love going to my therapist so much. I get to speak the unspeakable, heal it and leave it in the therapy session.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
by Bethan O'Riordan | Apr 18, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
I’ve been wondering about the best way to respond to your question as the answer isn’t as clear cut as I’d like it to be. The key to parenting is creating consistent and predictable relationships with everyone in your family. This is tricky, but not impossible if your parenting template and experience of childhood wasn’t like this.
I’m wondering if your husband is in therapy as part of his healing? It’s impossible to heal our emotions and adverse life experiences alone. Having someone to explore life with is essential in creating a safe place to explore what we find hard.
My opinion is that parenting is incredibly difficult because children mirror how a parent is thinking and feeling because it comes out in the adults’ behaviour, words and relationship. Perhaps if we weren’t parents we could hide our emotions and fragilities a little more. Cultivating consistent and predictable relationships can be harder if a parent is experiencing inner turmoil which is why creating a place for what’s going on in you both can be so helpful.
Parenting is about parents having an emotional container for their stuff. Curating a life that can hold yourself is the best way to then hold a child. My weeks are fairly structured with exercise, meeting friends, eating well, enjoying treats, alone time and dipping in and out of therapy when needed. This helps me to be that even presence within the kids’ lives.
Each parent taking responsibility for themselves first teaches children to be responsible for themselves too. You don’t have to be perfect. Putting time into your relationship as a couple is essential too. Don’t give all of yourself to your children, you are their solid foundation together.
One thing I’d like to add is that there is no such thing as good cop and bad cop. What’s most helpful for families are guides or rules that keep people safe. By this I mean physical safety and emotional safety. Talk with each other around words you’d like to use with your children, how you’d like to manage explosive moments and the logistics of the day.
Have conversations with your husband about how you want your parenting to be. What are your hopes for your children? How would you like your children to be? How do you want them to express their inner world and stand sure of themselves? When you’ve explored these questions you can then work out who you both need to be to make this happen. And we all need help from time to time to become that person.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
by Bethan O'Riordan | Apr 4, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with anxiety. I remember when I first became a Mum I suffered enormously with anxious feelings and thoughts in a way that I never had done before.
Becoming a parent opens the mind up to a whole new level of potential worry and guilt. It can overwhelm you in a way that you’ve never experienced before. Once that Mamma Bear part of the brain has been turned on it needs to be tamed a little so that it doesn’t run the show. The good news is that this is possible and you can do it.
Being honest, there are times in parenting that are simply full on and while these situations cannot change, how you respond to them can. I remember having three kids under three and a half and all that brought; sleepless nights rolling into each other and having a baby that cried 18 hours a day… But I felt great in myself.
Anxiety makes us react to a situation and what we want is for you to move into responding in a way that’s helpful for you and those around you. The first thing I’d suggest is to think about what you mean by anxiety as it’s an umbrella term for so many things. When we break it down and understand it a little more, we can then put practical steps in place to create change. Always remember that turning towards what we find hard is the best way of healing it.
Anxiety is showing us two things:
1. That the logistics of life are out of balance
2. That you’re disconnected from your feelings
We often say that we feel anxious but what we feel is a variety of physical symptoms and thoughts. Understanding these gives you the clues to remedying what’s happening. Are you tired? Overwhelmed? Worried for the kids future? Feeling guilty about how you parent? Finding the logistics of motherhood hard? Is the thinking and planning too much?
You’ll work out these questions by saying to yourself, “I am feeling ___”. This will help you to stop in that moment and rather than let emotions build up, you’ll be able to tune inwards and help yourself.
The next step is to create small systems to help ease what you’re finding hard. Try asking yourself “what I need is ____” and trust the first thing that comes to mind. Our gut instinct is called just that for a reason. Where the anxious part of the brain would over think, tuning into what first bubbles up will help you to bypass the mental load and move towards practical action.
Your short question is very much at the core of parenting and such an important one. Research shows us that when parents tune into what they find hard and work towards healing it, their emotional inner world doesn’t spill into their children’s development. Myself included.
By being curious about how your emotions work, you can then teach your children how to be curious about theirs too. And this is the best way to support your children’s emotions.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
by Bethan O'Riordan | Mar 28, 2022 | Blog, Parenting
When couples initially meet, it’s usually because they share similar values and ethos. Whether it’s spending money, how they enjoy their time together and life goals there is usually a middle ground with a little bit of leeway either side. When children add to the mix things change. There are no set rules on how to parent, but when I meet couples whose parenting styles differ, one or both parties have very fixed ideas on how parenting should be in their household. We know that authoritative parenting styles are a repeat of a parent’s childhood experiences (here’s a great book to read more about this by Bethany Saltman) and I would always be curious about how helpful this is for creating the relationship you’d like to have with your child.
Perhaps your partner has read extensively around parenting, explored the up-to-date research around parenting practices and this is where his confidence in his parenting style comes from. But my experience (and the research shows us) that parents who are authoritarian in their parenting style grew up in a strict household themselves so they don’t know another way of parenting.
Our brains are unique in that we find safety in what is familiar rather than what is helpful for us. I’m wondering if your style of parenting is new for your husband and because of this it might be perceived as “weak, letting the kids get away with too much or disrespectful” (some of the common phrases I hear in the therapy room).
All parenting opinions are valid when parents are working towards defining a parenting style that works for their family. Are your concerns borne from seeing the impact that his parenting style is having on your children? And have you verbalised this to him? Authoritarian parenting styles will create a distance in the relationship your husband has with his children. Fear doesn’t promote closeness. Can your husband see this? And is he ok with this? I get the impression that you are working hard trying to keep peace, be a wife, a mother and perhaps at times be a negotiator for all parties too.
I meet many couples who come for a one of session to talk through their parenting styles and reach middle ground. It’s so important because parents don’t have to be identical in their parenting approaches. Children are looking for consistent and predictable relationships where they know how boundaries and safety looks, feels and sounds within their family.
My husband and I had to do work around this when we became parents. The need for us to find that common ground came to light when our first born was a toddler and starting speaking and behaving in ways that we had to understand. There are no other team type scenarios where there isn’t extensive work put into communication and team building to ensure the desired outcome is achieved.
It might help if you and your husband think about what kind of children you are trying to raise and work backwards from there to be honest about if that will happen based on how they are communicated with and what sort of relationships are being built with them.
I’m delighted that you are flagging this and hope that your husband also sees that there is room for development in your family. This is exactly what children are looking for. Having parents at opposite ends of the parenting spectrum is confusing for children and counter active in helping your child get a good sense of emotional safety and identity.
Children don’t need perfect parents but they do need parents who are willing to change systems and patterns that aren’t helpful. This then teaches children that we all have the power to change.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
