Oh what a great question! We can get into the nitty gritty of this quite easily and help you create practical steps to help your parenting be easier. All parents want to know how to support their children’s emotional development, so why is it so hard?
What’s happening to you is that your body and brain are releasing unconscious memories of being that age and how you were responded to. This is why your emotions can seem so powerful and can feel a bit like an out of body experience. Our brain retains all of our life experiences. Luckily we can’t remember them all (imagine how much more crazy we’d be!), but the memories seep out through the relationships that we have with those closest to us.
This isn’t your fault.
And my opinion is that it’s the hardest and most unfair part of parenting. None of us knew that we would give birth to a tiny human full of hope and wonder and as they grew, we would start acting out how we were treated and how we felt being that age.
But whilst it’s not your fault, the good news is that you can be the change your children need and take responsibility for what’s hard. The first part of this is focusing on yourself first. You need to develop your skills for tolerating the big emotions that come up within you. This starts by you bringing awareness to what’s going when your toddler expresses emotions:
1. What are the situations that you find hard? What does your toddler say or do?
2. How does this feel inside your body? Parents I meet often report intense
waves of emotion running through their body.
3. What do you say?
4. How do you act?
Finding a place of emotional safety within you is the next step. You need to welcome those big emotions you weren’t allowed to express and make them safe. In therapy we call this inner child work; how can we let that little girl inside of you feel safe and welcomed when she is finding life so very hard and she feels misunderstood?
Toddlers will express what they want to express. They are the ultimate in mindfulness and don’t we know it! The important bit for you to remember is that you don’t have to interrupt their emotions or use logic to calm them down. Emotions are like roller coasters, they go up and then they come down.
If you can enhance your skills in being connected with yourself then you will stay calm. Try counting your breaths, singing a song in your head, fiddling with a bit of jewelry (I’m a real fiddler so this works well for me), or simply walk away before you explode.
What I really want you to know is that you are not alone. This is the journey of every parent and it’s okay that at this time you haven’t found that place of calm. What your child needs isn’t for you to be Buddha, but for you to take those steps that will begin the journey of healing your wounds. An important part of this will be finding a way to express your emotions that you weren’t allowed to express as it seems they are ready to come out now. That’s why I love going to my therapist so much. I get to speak the unspeakable, heal it and leave it in the therapy session.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
I’ve been wondering about the best way to respond to your question as the answer isn’t as clear cut as I’d like it to be. The key to parenting is creating consistent and predictable relationships with everyone in your family. This is tricky, but not impossible if your parenting template and experience of childhood wasn’t like this.
I’m wondering if your husband is in therapy as part of his healing? It’s impossible to heal our emotions and adverse life experiences alone. Having someone to explore life with is essential in creating a safe place to explore what we find hard.
My opinion is that parenting is incredibly difficult because children mirror how a parent is thinking and feeling because it comes out in the adults’ behaviour, words and relationship. Perhaps if we weren’t parents we could hide our emotions and fragilities a little more. Cultivating consistent and predictable relationships can be harder if a parent is experiencing inner turmoil which is why creating a place for what’s going on in you both can be so helpful.
Parenting is about parents having an emotional container for their stuff. Curating a life that can hold yourself is the best way to then hold a child. My weeks are fairly structured with exercise, meeting friends, eating well, enjoying treats, alone time and dipping in and out of therapy when needed. This helps me to be that even presence within the kids’ lives.
Each parent taking responsibility for themselves first teaches children to be responsible for themselves too. You don’t have to be perfect. Putting time into your relationship as a couple is essential too. Don’t give all of yourself to your children, you are their solid foundation together.
One thing I’d like to add is that there is no such thing as good cop and bad cop. What’s most helpful for families are guides or rules that keep people safe. By this I mean physical safety and emotional safety. Talk with each other around words you’d like to use with your children, how you’d like to manage explosive moments and the logistics of the day.
Have conversations with your husband about how you want your parenting to be. What are your hopes for your children? How would you like your children to be? How do you want them to express their inner world and stand sure of themselves? When you’ve explored these questions you can then work out who you both need to be to make this happen. And we all need help from time to time to become that person.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with anxiety. I remember when I first became a Mum I suffered enormously with anxious feelings and thoughts in a way that I never had done before.
Becoming a parent opens the mind up to a whole new level of potential worry and guilt. It can overwhelm you in a way that you’ve never experienced before. Once that Mamma Bear part of the brain has been turned on it needs to be tamed a little so that it doesn’t run the show. The good news is that this is possible and you can do it.
Being honest, there are times in parenting that are simply full on and while these situations cannot change, how you respond to them can. I remember having three kids under three and a half and all that brought; sleepless nights rolling into each other and having a baby that cried 18 hours a day… But I felt great in myself.
Anxiety makes us react to a situation and what we want is for you to move into responding in a way that’s helpful for you and those around you. The first thing I’d suggest is to think about what you mean by anxiety as it’s an umbrella term for so many things. When we break it down and understand it a little more, we can then put practical steps in place to create change. Always remember that turning towards what we find hard is the best way of healing it.
Anxiety is showing us two things:
1. That the logistics of life are out of balance
2. That you’re disconnected from your feelings
We often say that we feel anxious but what we feel is a variety of physical symptoms and thoughts. Understanding these gives you the clues to remedying what’s happening. Are you tired? Overwhelmed? Worried for the kids future? Feeling guilty about how you parent? Finding the logistics of motherhood hard? Is the thinking and planning too much?
You’ll work out these questions by saying to yourself, “I am feeling ___”. This will help you to stop in that moment and rather than let emotions build up, you’ll be able to tune inwards and help yourself.
The next step is to create small systems to help ease what you’re finding hard. Try asking yourself “what I need is ____” and trust the first thing that comes to mind. Our gut instinct is called just that for a reason. Where the anxious part of the brain would over think, tuning into what first bubbles up will help you to bypass the mental load and move towards practical action.
Your short question is very much at the core of parenting and such an important one. Research shows us that when parents tune into what they find hard and work towards healing it, their emotional inner world doesn’t spill into their children’s development. Myself included.
By being curious about how your emotions work, you can then teach your children how to be curious about theirs too. And this is the best way to support your children’s emotions.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
In my experience as a psychotherapist, having an authoritarian partner is a significant strain within the family. When couples initially meet, it’s usually because they share similar values and ethos. Whether it’s spending money, how they enjoy their time together and life goals there is usually a middle ground with a little bit of leeway either side, but when children add to the mix things change. There are no set rules on how to parent, but when I meet couples whose parenting styles differ, one or both parties have very fixed ideas on how parenting should be in their household.
An authoritarian parent can be described as someone who is one of, or a mix of, the following:
Is strict and inflexible
Shouts and/or uses facial expressions which can be scary for children
Wants to/uses harsh discipline to teach children lessons
Can want to punish children to help them learn
Is hard on children
Doesn’t pay attention to emotions and can want to control behaviour
Doesn’t want to talk and doesn’t listen
Can’t talk without becoming angry or moody
Isn’t receptive to talking and discussions
Where does authoritarian parenting come from?
We know that authoritative parenting styles are a repeat of a parent’s childhood experiences, however the tricky bit of this is that some parents don’t see these traits in themselves. Authoritarian parents who I’ve met are usually so used to being the way they are they find it very hard to see that they are impacting those around them in a negative way.
Every parent gets activated by things their children say or do. At the end of this parenting tips and advice blog I am going to leave some books that will help you all. But the most important part of parenting isn’t what you know, it’s how you relate to your children and family. As children age, your childhood memories get activated inside and you feel how you were treated and responded, or reacted, to. When a parent is being authoritative, it’s usually because they’re treating a child how they were treated themselves.
“It never did me any harm”. How an authoritarian parenting approach impacts children
Bethan O’Riordan has helped families overcome different parenting styles and have calmer homes
Something I hear so often is parents saying is, “having tough parents never did me any harm”. My role as a therapist isn’t to disagree with someone’s personal experiences but where children are concerned the conversation is always around “how is this working for your child?”.
So often I hear parents say that without a firmer way of parenting is “weak, letting the kids get away with too much or disrespectful”, but infact the opposite is true. Children who are the receivers of authoritarian parenting quickly begin to either shut off their emotions, or turn them inward which is dangerous for their emotional development. There’s two languages we all speak (the language of logic and the language of feelings), but children really live by the language of their feelings for the first ten or so years of their lives until the language and logic parts are fully connected.
Children need help with their feelings
Authoritarian parenting focuses only on logic, which means that children’s emotional development has no co-regulation which in turn becomes children’s ability to emotionally regulate. My eighteen years working with families is that strict parenting impacts children deeply as they develop an inability to regulate their emotions which can lead to significantly increased feelings of shame, anxiety, anger, self-harm and suicidal thoughts.
On a practical level, my experience of working closely with teens who have authoritative parents is that the teens find decision making difficult and this often follows them into adulthood. However, if there is another parent who has a different parenting approach and can balance out and dilute the impact of the authoritarian partner, this helps the impact for children.
What is emotional regulation?
This is a big question and one that I will answer in a separate blog. But for the moment let’s explore a little about what emotional regulation is and the how an authoritative parenting style impacts this.
Children are not born with the ability to regulate their emotions. Emotional regulation happens through a process of co-regulation which is when a parent regulates their feelings first in a situation, then the child can emotionally plug into them and over time their central nervous system begins to develop an internal system where it can find safeness inside and regulate.
I must empahsise that this takes years – I mean, think of yourself as an adult, can you regulate your emotions all the time? Probably not! And a difficulty with having an authoritarian partner is that children them miss the opportunity to learn how to co-regulate and their emotions become stuck inwards or expressed through anger, reduced listening and a reduced ability to follow instructions. In short, without co-regulation children don’t get the opportunity to feel accepted by their parent(s), so find it very difficult to accept themselves.
Important steps for parents to take
Children internalise what’s going on around them so it’s vitally important that parents/a parent let’s their child know that they are not the problem. When faced with having a strict, controlling and angry parent a child will think that this is because of something that they are doing or saying, or think it’s just because of them.
Telling a child they are not the problem is step 1, step 2 is acting in a way that helps them to believe this. My experience has been that authoritarian parents usually shout and control through fear, so here’s a video about shouting less which I hope will help you to put practical steps in place to dial down any behaviour that is impacting on your child and relationship.
How to help an authoritarian partner
Everybody parents from their parenting default mode which is basically your inner parenting programming and repeating the parenting that you received. However, this doesn’t mean that an authoritarian partner can’t change and take responsibility for how they are impacting their family and relationships.
There’s usually two types of authoritarian parent – one who is really hurt and doesn’t know how to communicate in a more helpful and less controlling way – and another who is dangerous and unsafe logistically and emotionally to be around, so please do take caution when broaching conversations.
Remember that you can only help up to a certain point. The other parent/authoritative partner must be proactive and motivated to change themselves and there is plenty of help they can avail of.
Tips for open communication
The first place to start in creating change is talking using clear and open communication (if you’ve decided that this is safe for you and your children, if not seek help from Women’s Aid, Mnà Feasa or The Garda/local police).
Here’s some important tips to remember when talking with an authoritative parent:
Whether this is a new conversation or ground well trodden, the other parents still might not get your point. If they weren’t treated with kindness as a child being asked to be kinder may be totally unfamiliar.
You are pointing out your partners lack of awareness which may be challenging, so having a third party might be helpful. I offer one to one private parenting consultations where difference can be aired out and worked through alongside practical strategies for change.
Be specific – people often don’t have the awareness of a situation when they’re in it.
Try to be calm. I know that there’s nothing more emotional then the wellbeing of your children (mum of three over here!), but authoritative people usually don’t have great skills for self regulation so this conversation may get heated
Be honest. You can’t be in control of someone else’s behaviour and it’s not your job to keep the peace between a parent and their children. This is their relationship to take control of.
Acknowledge how hard you are working to be a calm parent for your family – no parent gets it right all the time, but it’s the being prepared to work at it that’s the important bit.
You could start by talking about what kind of children you’re hoping to raise and working backwards from there. Remember that children become how they were treated. Here’s an article I was asked to contribute to in the Irish Examiner about the Top 10 ways to raise a happy child, hopefully it offers some inspiration.
Parenting resources
Here’s a list of some of my favourite parenting tips and advice resources which will help your partner And don’t forget to show them this blog too! Information is so powerful in helpful to create change.
Books: Dan Siegal – The Whole Brain Child & No-Drama Discipline
The Mum Mind Podcast, listen on Apple or Spotify where I answer your parenting questions
Join the Calm Parenting Community – on the go support from me and an online community of like minded parents through our app
Book: Strange Situation
What children need from their parents
There are no other team type scenarios where there isn’t extensive work put into communication and team building to ensure the desired outcome is achieved. Think of all the team bonding activities and HR development policies to help people work together! I meet many couples who come for a parenting consultation to talk through their parenting styles and reach middle ground.
It’s so important because parents don’t have to be identical in their parenting approaches. Children are looking for consistent and predictable relationships where they know how boundaries and safety looks, feels and sounds within their family. Having parents at opposite ends of the parenting spectrum is confusing for children and counter active in helping your child get a good sense of emotional safety and identity. Children don’t need perfect parents but they do need parents who are willing to change systems and patterns that aren’t helpful. This then teaches children that we all have the power to change.
What to do if your partner won’t change
If you’ve spoken to your partner and you aren’t being heard or can’t reach common ground there’s still parenting strategies that you can adopt to reduce the impact of authoritative parenting on your children. You will have to play detective and tune into your child(rens) behaviours to see how they are. All behaviour is communication, so take note of how your child is acting and use your intuition to know if they are ok and where they need your help. If you’d like on the go help knowing what to do and say to help your children, join my online parenting support, The Calm Parenting Community where you can chat with me daily and be supported through life as it unfolds.
It’s also important to say that I’ve worked with families who have separated over different parenting styles.
Bethan O’Riordan Psychotherapist specialaising in parenting support
Hello – I’m Bethan, a psychotherapist and Mum of 3 and my work with families spams 18 years. Parenting has taken me on the wildest ride of my life and I know first hand how hard parenting is.
It’s a great feeling sitting back knowing you’ve done your best and I can’t wait to support you to get that feeling too.
I think we all remember being a teenager and how difficult it was. There’s so much that goes on inside the teenage brain and body that it’s complicated and confusing for them. The biggest part of teenage hormones for parents is to have an understanding of how confusing it is for the teenger and how much they have on their plate. Hormones are evolution’s way of helping us create the mental and physical capacity to become an adult but it can feel like a long road for teenagers.
The teenage years are a great time for parents to support their child to create a life that’s balanced. This includes nutrition, sleep, exercise, fun, being wild, taking risks, meeting responsibilities such as school and study. This doesn’t take place in a linear process. It’s important that conditions are created within the household for conversation and trust, so that the child can try out what being them may look and feel like.
Teenagers’ brains develop incredibly fast and this isn’t their fault. The risk taking part of their brain gets bigger which allows them to explore the world in a way in which perhaps their parents may not want. This is where the relationship that you’ve built with your child over the previous 13 or so years comes into its own and why so much of my work with parents is to help them get this relationship feeling right when children are younger as it pays dividends during the teenage years.
Teenagers can have explosive emotions and whilst there is a line between expressing and violence consider how else can a person express difficult to manage emotions without them coming out in this way? The reality is that they can’t. This is where keeping a life in balance really does help. Exercise can help to release that build up of cortisol and adrenaline and help it be funneled into something constructive.
But what your teenager really needs from you is for them to be allowed to be themselves within the safety of your home. They need you to understand that this leap in development can be overwhelming and that they haven’t yet developed the skills for it to happen in a way that sometimes isn’t messy. Have any of us really?
You also don’t have to be held hostage to your teenager. Boundaries are so important and I can’t think of a more pressing one for us all than phones. No phones in the bedroom after a certain time at night is a basic boundary that I talk with many parents about. Everyone needs to develop the skills of switching off.
Many parents check their children’s phones which to be honest I’m unsure about. Yes the younger children with phones need clear guidance and checking in with, but there does become a point where teengars need autonomy of their private life and parents need to trust in their child and the relationship they have together. There are excellent courses available about phones and safety and I suggest that all parents complete one so that you are armed with the information to make the correct decision.
But your teenager doesn’t need to see double standards. You must keep to the boundaries too. Perhaps it’s a nice time to take stock of your life, how you create balance and keep making strides forwards alongside your teenager.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, you can start your free 7 day trial in the Calm Parenting Club where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
A calmer house is the holy grail of parenting! While it sounds lovely, it’s also important to be realistic. Children have developing brains so have not got the ability to be calm when upset and parents get triggered and respond in ways that fuel the upset.
The reader doesn’t say who is having the tantrums so let’s be very real about this and explore both parents and children’s ability to tantrum. The only way children can let people know they are not ok is by having big emotions that come out as tantrums. Because of this, the first thing we are going to do is to reframe the expression tantrum to something more helpful. When a parent uses the word tantrum it often means that they are seeing this explosion of emotions as annoying, exhausting and something that they don’t want happening.
Try thinking to yourself, “my child is having a hard time”, “my child doesn’t know how to tell me what they need”, “my child is overwhelmed, upset or over stimulated”. And then move to the action part of how to help them. When any of us are upset it doesn’t look pretty. So move away from mentioning the actions that come with tantrums. The logic part of the brain isn’t available, so don’t try to talk and explain the rationale of what’s happening. Some of this is a waiting game. Waiting until the children’s brains are developed enough to regulate, rationalise and understand what’s happening and then control the outcome of these big emotions we all suffer with.
So back to the question, how can you have a calmer house with less tantrums? The great news is that there is so much that you can do to change what’s going on. How you respond is the most crucial part of helping big emotions. Do you shout, punish, roll your eyes or walk away? Or can you let your child know in your facial expression, tone of voice and body language (they may not want you touching or talking to them) that you know they’re having a hard time?
When you help those big emotions feel safe you are teaching your child how to suffer and there’s no shame attached to it. This can only take place if you’ve worked through your own triggers and what’s hard for you about the tantrums. A significant part of this difficulty in tolerating tantrums is that our bodies release memories of what it was like to be that age and parents repeat how they were treated. Perhaps your body is remembering what it was like when you expressed big emotions and it feels deeply uncomfortable. This is where re-parenting the parent goes in tandem with raising a child.
Can you soothe yourself alongside your child to make those experiences safe for you both?
Children are looking for predictable and consistent relationships with their parents. So perhaps you’ve to heal the part inside you that wasn’t treated consistently as a child. And take lots of breaks to stop throughout the day to fill your internal reservoir so that you’ve got the patience to tolerate the outbursts from everyone as the day goes on.
If anything in this blog resonates with you and you’d like support to create change, you’re welcome to book a free call with Bethan here to explore your support options. Make sure you download your free 5 Steps to Calmer Parenting. If you’re looking for immediate parenting support, join us in the Calm Parenting Club, where you’ll find the answers to your parenting problems and be supported to become the parent and person’ you’d like to be.
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